Tuesday, June 2, 2009

She's Just Not That Into You: a rant

Dear chefs, Food Network stars, cooking magazine editors, etc.:

If I see one more recipe this year using fennel , I am going to blow the bejeezus out of my skull. I am over fennel, get it? Quit trying to shove fennel down my throat; it's making me cranky. I don't even like fennel, and I suspect the only people who do are those freaks who hoard the black jelly beans at Easter.

Fennel is hairy, awkward looking and a bitch to pair with wine. It tastes like anise, for chrissakes. Even if you cook the shit out of it, you can taste that icky anise. I sure as heck wouldn't pour ouzo over my risotto, so why are you asking me to cook the vegetable equivalent into it?

Even Ina Garten, who admits she doesn't like fennel, is cooking with it. What kind of strange brainwashing is going on here? Even heroin dealers don't push their product that hard.

So I beg of you please. Cease and desist with the fennel. It's getting old.

And while I have your attention, I'd just like to add some other food trend thingys that I'm over:

~Butternut Squash: You were interesting maybe 5 years ago. If I have to endure another Autumn of butternut squash soup recipes, I'm going to drink hemlock. Ditto that for the roasted butternut squash side dishes. Even if you gussy it up with orange or maple syrup or curry powder, butternut squash is a yawner.

~Parsnips: Yeah, what I said to the squash. At the end of the day, you are just an albino carrot, so quit trying so hard.

~Dried Cranberries, Apricots and Cherries: Get out of my savory food, you chewy cretins! Get out of my couscous, my pilaf, my pasta salad. No, you don't add interest to the dish. You just get stuck in my teeth.

~Fava Beans and Ramps: Understand this--Spring belongs to Asparagus. It just does. Always has. You were never contenders, so get out of every Spring recipe in every food magazine that I read.

~Polenta: You suck.

~Pomegranate: I get it, you are healthy. But I am still not sprinkling your sour, strangely crunchy self over my salad.

~Truffle butter: Maybe if I'm eating pasta at Harry's Bar; otherwise, bugger off. And don't even think about showing up on a burger or in mac and cheese. Gag.

~Oatmeal: Unbeknownst to you, I broke up with you this morning. Even jazzed up with brown sugar and half and half and pecans, you don't cut it. I've tried for years with you, but you just can't seem to change, so it's over. You're gruel darling, I'm sorry.

I should feel relieved after this rant, but I'm not. Because I'm sensing that there's another really annoying food trend lurking around the corner. Waiting for me.

If you are peevish and need to rant at seemingly innocent foodstuffs, feel free to do so below.


  1. You are pretty freakin' funny yourself:) I'm quite the gourmet cooking ignoramus (which is why I have no clue what ramps are and am fuzzy on Polenta), but I do think fennel is pretty rotten and I effing hate pomegranate. Thanks for visiting me, you make me smile:)

  2. I pass giant fennel plants everyday as I walk my kids to school. Grows like weeds here. The kid run through it sometimes, and then they smell like black jelly beans (which I like, but you are so right about the wine pairing).

    I still love me some oatmeal.

    Have you noticed that sun dried tomatoes are making a comeback?

  3. OMG, brilliant! I especially love the Oatmeal one. "You're gruel darling" - ha!

    My rant would be much more pedestrian, as I'm so not a kitchen goddess, nor am I particularly adventurous in the cuisine department. But it would go a little something like this:

    Mushroom: You are such a poseur. Somehow, you've convinced people that you are a delicacy, but you are not what you appear to be. For example, you aren't meat, no matter how many people grill and make sandwiches out of you, put you on pizzas, or add you to sauces. Your brown gnarls and white bellies do not make pretty garnishes, so you have no right to mar the aesthetic delights of salad. Point is, you don't even belong on a table, given that you are a frickin' fungus. Yeah, not so tempting NOW, are you, little troll-like substance?

  4. Over here goats cheese is the rage...

    On the fennel topic it does actually taste nice in this pasta my mum makes with a creamy cheese sauce, chilli and olives and possibly there might be leeks in there...can't remember...

    I know what you mean though!

  5. I agree on so many points!

    Parsnips = pig food. That's it! They are good for nothing else.

    Polenta - you do suck, you really do. It's a fact.

    Oatmeal aka Porridge - I've never eaten it, not even as a child because to me, that's the hideous stuff Oliver Twist wanted more of. Why the hell would anyone want more of that goop?

    I don't even know what fava beans and ramps are so they can't be good?

  6. Ink, your missive to the mushroom is genius!

    I am very heartened to hear that others are as cranky with foodstuffs as I am!

    I love the funny comments you guys leave!

  7. This is hilarious. Love the oatmeal rant. So true.

  8. Very funny and so true! There must be a giant meeting where they decide what ingredient they are going to torture us with for the next 6 months!!

  9. I hate polenta too. Now as far as truffles are concerned the oil shouldn't be used -- just the real stuff. The only place where truffle oil should be allowed is in honey. Have you ever had honey infused with truffle oil? Yum!

  10. Honey infused truffle oil? No way? I will take your word for it! Sounds kinda scary, though?

    Welcome, Paige! Thanks for stopping in!