Saturday, June 6, 2009

If I Ran the Food Network: a riff

I admit it. I watch The Food Network a lot. More than I should. Example: a few months ago, I woke during the night to the sound of a strange, manly-type voice. My husband was sleeping solidly next to me, so I was a little alarmed. And then I heard giggling. Little girl giggling. And then I heard a teeny voice exclaim, "Bam!"

Miss M. had awakened, tottered down to the living room, turned on the t.v. and was enjoying her some Emeril. My obsession with the FN is rubbing off on the girls.

My girls love the Food Network, particularly Ace of Cakes. And can I just say right now that I have a strange crush on Duff? He floats my boat, he does. I can't explain it. I watch him massage a massive lump of fondant and I get a little sweaty.

But some of the other celebrities on the Food Network annoy me a little. Some of them (cough, cough, rhymes with Hachael Hay) annoy me a lot. Alas, Food Network has failed to contact me regarding my opinions of its stars, so I just have to dream about what I'd say.

Paula Deen: I do think you got spunk, honey, but Jesus you cook some nasty stuff! Deep fried macaroni and cheese? Seafood casserole with mayonnaise, soup and cheese? (white trash! Yeah!) I have never made a recipe from your show, admittedly. If I cooked like you do, I'd grow the Ass the Size of India.

Bobby Flay: How did you manage to nail that bangin' babe of a wife? I mean, I like your food and you seem like an okay guy and all, but you bear strong resemblance to Howdy Doody. Just sayin'.

Sandra Lee: You are fired.

Ina Garten: Will you marry me? How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. And if you won't marry me, can I have Jeffrey? And that house in the Hamptons, as long as I'm askin'.

Giada de Laurentis: Yes, as a matter of fact, I have noticed that perky, ginormous rack of yours. No need to parade it around any more. Leave a little mystery there, wouldja?

Guy Fieri: Sure, you have a zippy personality. But really, have some self respect. Must you give your dishes names like Good Karma Shawarma and Rice a Monee? It makes my sphincter contract.

Robin Miller: Get thee over to Paula Deen's house and eat some of her food. You need home cookin' like nobody's business. When you walk, do your bones clank together?

Tyler Florence: Didn't you used to be kinda good looking? What happened?

Emeril Lagasse: Bam! That's the sound of my arteries exploding after eating your food. Go hang out with Paula, you'll like each other.

And I of course have the choicest of words for Rachael Ray but I'm trying to curb my colorful tongue, and if I said what I'd like to, I'd owe the Dirty Word Jar in the kitchen a month's worth of grocery money.

But you know it'd be true.

If you care to disagree with me or agree with me or add choice tidbits of your own, feel free. I know I've missed someone (or two) and I love to hear you talk.


  1. Nothing to add except Tee Freakin' Hee. You are so sassy, my friend! I don't even watch those shows (though I recognize a few of those people) and I'm laughing my butt off over here.

  2. Hilarious! I have one of RR's cookbooks, but she annoys the living shit out of me!! I think the same thing about a lot of these people!! Ina is my fave!!

  3. Isn't Ina so cuddly? I just wanna hug her. I have to admit to owning one of RR's cookbooks, which makes me a total rippin' hypocrite, but dang! I collect cookbooks, so I am giving me a free pass on that one. I forgot Alton Brown in the post, which is regrettable. Food Geeks Rock!

  4. You make me want to watch the food network to know how bad these people are. I watch enough reality tv already tho, I don't need more. Thanks for visiting my blog!

  5. Hey now! I do have a RR cookbook and I admit I have tried some of the recipes and they are pretty darn good. At least Andrew scarfs it down! And I love Paula Deen but I think I develop plaque on my arteries just watching her cook.

    And we all have our foibles-you have the Food Network and I have the Sci Fi channel. I won't even discuss how I spent my afternoon Wednesday watching "Friday the 13th: the Series" not to be confused with the movies.

  6. You know we're Ace of Cakes fans here -- Jordan and I are addicted to that show. That's why I started making fondant covered cakes. But no crushes here...

  7. Classic! I hear you, RR makes my blood boil, if only she knew half of what she is talking about I could let a lot of it slide- excellent rant.

  8. I live at the bottom of the world where we do not get Food Network. At least I don't because I'm to cheap to pay for cable TV. Anyway, I don't know any of the people you're talking about but I'm still cackling like a fool.
    Oh wait...was Bobby Flay on the dodgy US version of Iron Chef?

  9. Leisa, you Aussies don't have Food Network? How do you survive? That's my crack!

    And yeppers, Flay is on Iron Chef. Is your version a lot better? Jealous!

  10. Again I believe we are on the same page. I LOVE the Food Network, but lately their shows have been kinda lame.

    I love watching Paula Dean, but you're right, I could never make one of her recipes, I feel my ateries harden at the sight of the heavy cream and butter she uses.

    I do like Rachel Ray, but I'd think I'd rather watch her on mute, her magazine is a better way to get your dose.

    Bobby Flay is my absolute favourite! Too bad he has such a dumb blonde trophy wife.

    I don't mind Giada, but there's not way she eats her own cooking and stays as thin as she does, I have a hunch she's binging and purging...

  11. I love Bobby and Ina and Giada and Alton. But you are right, if Giada eats anything besides salad, I'm a donkey's butt.

  12. SOOOO funny! We do not have cable, but I'm kinda wishing we did right now. Mostly so I could see Ina. I have one of her books, but now that I'm cooking more, I need more of her books.

    Brilliant. Great use of words: "sphincter," "donkey's butt," etc.

  13. I love the birthday recipes!!!! Wish i have been there!

  14. Well, we missed your birthday because of Crazy May Dayz so I'll make it all again this summer just for you! xoxo

  15. Oh my god, you absolutely rocked this. Let me know if you get Ina's house in the Hamptons, because I want to be a squatter in that kitchen.