Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Yummy Dance



Do we ever really see ourselves? I remember an old friend of mine, Betty, would catch a glimpse of herself in a shopping mall mirror and then stop, startled. She would look at her reflection, sigh, shake her head and exclaim, "In my head, I always think I'm way cuter than I really am. Mirrors suck."

Mirrors do suck. Some mornings, I lurch to the bathroom, flick on the light and gasp in horror. What happened during the night to turn me into a 90-year-old prostitute? As I recall, I went to bed looking semi-okay; I mean, my husband wanted to jump me, so it must not have been that bad. But whaaaaa? Who on Earth is that Gorgon staring back at me a mere 8 hours later?

As a writer, I'm constantly scrutinizing people. If I see someone interesting, I'll narrow my eyes, hone-in, try to absorb every nuance and facial tic. It sort of drives my husband crazy. "Quit staring," he'll hiss at me in public places.

When we went to Disney World--the Official Homeland of Freakshows--this spring, I thought he was going to throttle me. I couldn't stop gawking and rubbernecking to save my life.

For someone so observant of others, I am shockingly un-self-aware. I do strange shit all the time and have no idea. Even worse, when my husband (that obnoxious lout) points out said strange shit, I have the gall to adamantly deny that I've done anything weird.

Yeah, I don't know why he married me, either.

A few months after we'd been dating, my husband took me to a new restaurant. I can't even remember the name of the place, but it was hoppin' and full of beautiful people, and I enjoyed myself. About halfway through the meal, hubs furrowed his brow and asked, "Is your dinner okay?"

"Yeah, you want a bite?" I said.

"No, I'm good," he said, and we continued eating.

A few minutes later, the waitress wandered into the vicinity and hubs asked, "Do you want me to flag her down? Do you want to order something else?"

"No, really, it's fine," I said. "Why do you think something's wrong?"

"Well, you didn't do the Yummy Dance. At all."

"Huh? What do you mean, the Yummy Dance?"

"You know, that thing you do when you really like your food."

"What thing? I don't do anything."

"Yeah you do. You know, this." And he proceeded to show me an exceedingly awkward little upper-body shimmy and head-bob.

He sort of looked epileptic.

"Oh my God. Oh my God!" I was Gobsmacked. "I do not do...Oh my God. You're right. I do do that." If I hadn't been so stunned, I'd have darted under the table in humiliation.

"That's awful!" I wailed.

"No. It's kinda cute," he said.

"Cute? I look like I'm having a medical emergency!"

Later, after the shock dissipated, I called my mother.

"Mom, how long have I been doing this...thing?" I asked. And described the oddity that is the Yummy Dance.

"Not long dear," she replied. "Only, like, your entire life."

So I guess it's settled. A habit so deeply ingrained as the Yummy Dance cannot be extinguished. It is, alas, a Trademark Move. I own it. And it only took me 30 years to learn it existed. So much for those razor-sharp powers of observation.

49 comments:

  1. LOL I will be watching closley for the yummy dance at our next meetup.

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  2. I know what you mean about the mirror, apart from the needed shave and hair gel (the second needed much less these days) I try to avoid them... I just don't look like that.

    I have heard Kris exclaim from the other room, "you're doing the yummy dance, what are you making?" I don't think it looks like a seizure but then I have never done it in front of a mirror. Imagine a mirror in the kitchen nobody wants that.

    Thanks for the inward look and the smile.

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  3. What I love is that you have someone in your life that knows you and loves you to the extent that he is concerned that you are NOT doing the yummy dance. What a great guy! How lucky are you?

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  4. Hey, at least you're not a food-moaner.

    My father, on the other hand, will emit these low, guttural sounds of intense satisfaction that have often made me wonder just what was going on beneath the table.

    "Mmm..."

    "Oh yeah..."

    "Ahhh..."

    I think I'd prefer the yummy dance.

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  5. I hum like a llama.
    jc

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  6. OOOh. I think we all need a video of the Yummy Dance! Yes, so interesting how we writers analyze the tiny aspects of others and often have very little awareness of ourselves. I love this story and I love that your husband thinks it's cute. I think it's cute and I haven't even had the privilege of seeing it.

    Yet? Come on... One little video won't hurt!

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  7. I want to see a video of the yummy dance too! LOL!

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  8. Yes, a video is a must. C'mon, indulge us!

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  9. I guess I should also pay attention to whether or not I have a "yummy dance". I probably do, that's hilarious.:)

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  10. I open my eyes really wide every now and then for no reason. I just noticed this in the last few weeks as we got my mom a web cam. I wonder, have I always done this? How often? And my hair...I never knew it looked like that from the side...

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  11. Love this one! I'd love to see the yummy dance. Don't go changing...! :)
    Have you ever watched the smarty pants dance video? It's one of my favorites.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Nn9dd6FfE8

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  12. I am a self-professed Yummy Dancer and have been since my early childhood.

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  13. Too funny! I hope to witness that firsthand a lot in NY this summer =).

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  14. aw...I'd love to see it - youtube baby! Hmm...it is so funny how we can all lack in self-awareness sometimes...and other times we are painfully aware of ourselves...so difficult to get the balance. I really do try but...maybe if we had eight eyes like spiders we could cover all corners...hmmm...

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  15. So funny. I think that was an episode on some sitcom. Don't you hate it when you realize your life mirrors bad TV?

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  16. Every time I see you I do the Yummy Dance ;)

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  17. OMG! You mean to tell me we could have brushed past each other at Walt Disney World last spring and not known it? Or maybe I was one of the freaks you were staring at?

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  18. This is hilarious. And wise at the same time. Seeing ourselves as others see us is the greatest challenge of all, at least in my mind.

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  19. I think I saw you do a Yummy Dance in grad school, at Emily's mansion when we were having those margarita slushies. Or maybe that was just a Margarita Shimmy because, OMG, those were good. In any case, you're adorable!

    (remember that? and remember her? whatever happened to her? but I digress...).

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  20. Have you contacted a patent attorney so as to claim full patent protections for your Yummy Dance? It would be a real shame to log onto YouTube and find some knock off Ymmy Dances posted.

    Maybe you should Trademark it as well? Henceforth, whenever someone wanted to use the phrase Yummy Dance, it would have to be Yummy Dance (TM).

    Wow, I really need to get out more if I think Intellectual Property is fun. Perhaps I need a good Yummy Dance (TM) A-Thon.

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  21. You made me cry, I laughed so hard! We want to see the Yummy Dance, TKW! Ya know, there's a thing called YouTube...

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  22. Hilarious. Especially the disneylaand description and the 90-year-old prostitute.
    You're funny.
    Keep in mind that Hubs's impresson of your Yummy Dance is bound to be more awkward than the dance itself. I hope.
    And that Far Side cartoon is terribly sad. And funny. And sad. And funny. And...love The Far Side.

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  23. Yeah, I call for a YouTube demo of TYD! My husband makes what we call "happy snuffling noises" when he's dug into something really tasty . . . it's really very funny and no, he doesn't realize he's doing it, either.

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  24. I'm thinking, Missus, the consensus is that we must see the Yummy Dance on video. ASAP!

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  25. I'm now wracking my brain to think of what my "yummy dance" might be.

    I guess we all have these idiosyncratic ticks. Little habits that are ours alone - known well to our friends and family, but utterly ignored by our oblivious selves. I don't know what mine is, but I'm glad I'm not alone! :)

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  26. And if it helps I was told once I eat sensuously...by a female friend in college..while eating lunch. I just enjoy my food and never really paid attention to how I ate. I just like food.

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  27. Ha! I love it! In college, my close friends and I definitely had a Yummy Dance (because there was need to celebrate when the dining hall got something especially tasty on the menu). Ours involved "butt-walking" -- where the individual halves of the butt shuffle as if walking on the seat while each hand grips a utensil, holding it perpendicular to the table on either side of the plate. Head bobbing optional.

    We also had a Schadenfreude Dance, predating Avenue Q, but that's a completely different story, even if said dance was also frequently performed at dinners.

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  28. heee too funny...I get excited about things too and do a very bizarre running man dance....usually when I am getting excited about cooking dinner or.....new shoes....

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  29. Reminds me of when I used to coach college students for their job interviews. We would do a mock interview and videotape it. They were always amazed at all the weird stuff they did with their hands and face. (As was I when I taped my own mock interview. What IS that thing I do with my mouth? It's like it's sliding across my face.)

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  30. I'm with Aidan and Wendi. We need a YouTube video of the Yummy Dance (TM). Stat.

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  31. 1) You HAVE to check out this website called, I think, People of Walmart. It'll be your new very favorite.

    2) The vision I have of you doing the Yummy Dance is the most adorable thing ever.

    3) At least your quirky mannerism thing is cute. My husband turned me on to my tendency to alternate squeezing my own thumbs in my fists and then covering my fingernails with them (I'll have to show you). It's weird. Not cute.

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  32. The other day I chanced to see a face that I make quite regular out of my side view in the mirror. I was shocked. While I thought it bespoke a certain emotion, instead, it looked like I had baaaad plastic surgery on my mouth. Not nice.

    Yummy dance--I do a yummy squirm, which might be similar. I squirm in my seat, shake my shoulders a bit and have a (what I hope is) satisfied look on my face. Of course, since I've never actually SEEN that satisfied look, it could look like I'm having stomach cramps.

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  33. I will be watching you very closely the next time we meet. I may or may not have a hidden camera on me. :-D

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  34. You know it's possible that you do have a cute yummy dance and your husband can't do it right.

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  35. You need to post a video of the yummy dance :)

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  37. Love it! I am sure we all have tics that have been so a part of who we are, we don't even notice!

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  38. Never argue when your man thinks one of your quirks is cute. I know. I have many. He points them out to me. He, too, often, thinks they're cute. I may disagree. But I have learned to keep my mouth shut...and do them some more.

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  39. That is so funny! I want to see your husband describe how you do the yummy dance! That is the cutest thing I've heard,(he must love you) jk! I'm sure it's as adorable as he thinks it is:)

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  40. You are not alone. I may not do the yummy dance, but I say things. Embarrassing things. For the first year of our marriage, my husband was afraid to take me out. Seriously. He didn't know what might come out of my mouth.

    Sigh.

    Now, he loves to take me places. He gets a kick out of conversations in which I will most likely make a fool of myself. Silly man.

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  41. Classic! you need to post a video of this dance.....i just make noises

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  42. this is a great post. i had to share it with my significant other. thanks for sharing!

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  43. Yes, a video, please -- I've never seen anyone do a yummy dance! You are just a hoot!

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  44. OK, first? 90-year-old prostitute? Girl, please. I've seen the pictures of you up here and you are one hiiiiigh-class call girl.

    Also, my husband often calls me out on "T-rex arms," which is when I pull my arms up against my body and only move/gesture with them from the elbow down. I do it when I'm cold or anxious or...alive. C'est tres attractif, believe me.

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  45. I think it is absolutely awesome that after only a few months, your husband-to-be had picked up on such a subtle little quirk that he was aware of its absence.

    These men, they love us.

    I'm pretty oblivious to my surroundings. My husband is endlessly amused by my mishaps. The other night I eagerly raced across the house to kiss him goodbye on his way to work. I managed to get almost all the way there and then tragedy - cracked my shin and am pretty sure broke two toes. And, I have no idea how. One minute I was running, the second I was on the ground hyperventilating.

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  46. I'm inviting myself over. Between the yummy dance and the herky, I'm ready for the show! (I'll bring the drinks.)

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  47. Here's what I read: your husband at the beginning of your dating period noticed this thing that you do, correctly connected it to the right cause-effect, and took it to heart. He's a keeper! Destined to be together. You two. :-)

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