Shrink-My-Ass-Month: Portobello Benedict

Am I the only person on the planet who thinks Hollandaise sauce is the Devil's work? That shit be nasty. Fatty, gloppy, lukewarm sauce the color of pee...do I want that on my eggs? No. But thanks, really.

This aversion is actually good when you are deep in the month of Project Posterior Shrinkage. Hollandaise has no place in SMAM.

I was intrigued by this recipe because duh, there's no Hollandaise in it. Plus, it seemed kind of genius to use a grilled portobello mushroom in lieu of the English muffin.

*Little Side Rant: Okay, people, is it portobellO or portobellA? Because I've made recipes with both spellings, and as an English Nerdlet, it bugs me. Which is right? My anal-retentive self needs to know!!!!*

This recipe seemed perfect for a lazy Sunday morning, so Saturday I went to the grocery store and picked up the ingredients.

Lazy Sunday Morning, my fat fanny. At 4:55 am I was awakened to something akin to: "Reeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Hubs and I both bolted up in bed.

"Holy Shit, what was that?" hubs said.

"A peacock circumcision?" I wagered.

And then, of course, the aftermath. Two small girls raced into our bedroom, eager to spill the gory details and place the blame firmly on the head of the other.

Long story short: if you slam a door very forcefully on a kittycat's tail, you will be greeted with "Reeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"

What the heck those girls were doing making mischief at 4:55 am is beyond me.

So my morning started oh, 2 1/2 hours earlier than I would have liked. At least breakfast was delicious. In fact, hubs declared it the best thing he's eaten for breakfast EVER. Now he might have been plying me with praise because I was rather irritable after my rude and premature awakening, but I'll take any compliment I can get.



Grilled Portobello Benedict
serves 4
from Ellie Krieger's So Easy

Cooking spray
4 portobello mushroom caps (about 4 ounces each)
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/4 teaspoon salt, plus more to taste
4 slices Canadian bacon
4 large eggs
4 large egg whites
2 tablespoons water
Freshly ground black pepper to taste
4 teaspoons store-bought pesto
8 fresh basil leaves, cut into ribbons
4 teaspoons freshly grated Parmesan cheese

Preheat grill pan sprayed with cooking spray.

With a spoon, gently scrape out the dark inside of the mushroom caps (the gills), being careful not to break the cap. Brush both sides of the mushroom caps with the oil and season with 1/4 teaspoon salt. Grill the mushrooms over medium-high heat until they are tender and their juices begin to release, about 7 minutes per side. Transfer each mushroom to a plate, top side down.

On the same grill pan, cook the Canadian bacon slices over medium-high heat until they are warm and grill marks have formed, about 30 seconds per side. Place one slice of bacon in each of the mushroom caps.

In a medium-sized bowl, whisk the eggs, egg whites, and water together until well combined. Spray a medium-sized nonstick skillet with cooking spray and heat over medium-low heat. Add the eggs and scramble until cooked through, about 3 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.

Spoon 1/4 of the egg mixture into each mushroom cap. Drizzle 1 teaspoon of the pesto over each and top with some of the basil ribbons and 1 teaspoon of Parmesan cheese.

*When I make this again, I think I'm going to add a few chopped sun-dried tomatoes and mix them in with the eggs. I thought the finished dish just sort of needed something red in it. I'm an aesthetic weirdo that way.

Author's Note: Since I am sure you are all dying from curiosity, Harryboy is okay. He did, however, scuttle around with the crazy eyes all morning.