As the date of my 41st year rapidly approaches, I would like to have a little chat with you. You know, while I still can. Because our visiting rights are soon to expire, and I have a few leeeetle issues I'd like to address.
I realize that we didn't start out on the best of terms. I'm sorry if you were insulted that your inauguration took place in a tiny bar in Mexico, under the influence of seven tequila shots. Admittedly, I wasn't very welcoming towards you.
I am sorry if you happened to overhear the conversation between myself and the 39-Year-Old-Body, one week prior to your arrival. You know, the one where I sucked my thumb, drank grain alcohol out of the bottle and wailed, "No Fucking Way?!?!" Yeah, that one. Ahem. Water under the bridge, right?
Right??? Because I'm kind of doubting that you've forgiven me. A few things have happened this past year that, frankly, make me doubt your generosity of spirit.
I think it's best to get these issues out in the open now, so we can maybe come to some kind of agreement and resolution? You know, before Year 41 takes ownership?
Your time and cooperation in this matter is appreciated.
~Issue: Paranormal Follicular Function. Please explain the following:
a) Hair growth in areas previously unafflicted. Please consult the Wandering Nose Hair from Hell for further explanation. I whacked it down with clippers about a week ago, but it should be emerging, in all it's stealthy glory, momentarily.
b) Hair loss in areas previously unafflicted. See scalp for details.
c) Change in hair color and/or texture. Now really, was this necessary? I think exhibit a and exhibit b were ample evidence that you'd begun the Reign of Terror. Did you really have to send me, three weeks after your arrival, the Lone White Pube? And did you have to present it to me when I was in the stall of a Target public restroom? Badly done, Body. Badly done.
~Issue: Volcanic Eruption of the Epidermis. Please explain:
a) The thing that used to be my chin which is now a Blackhead Farm.
b) The thing that used to be my bikini line which is now an Ingrown Hair Farm.
~Issue: Metabolic Desertion. See Ass for details.
~Issue: Global Warming.
a) Do the Night Sweats and the Day Sweats *have* to be so competitive? Their collective ambition is getting old.
b) Financial hardship. Consult the Water Bill for further explanation.
~Issue: Excretion Management.
a) Please withdraw excess moisture from the nasal and armpit cavities and deposit into the Vaginal Bank. It's like the Sahara down there and I'm not blowing Miss D. and Miss M.'s college fund on Astroglide.
~Issue: Depletion of the Libido.
a) Please quit transferring energy out the Libido sector. The Snacking sector has adequate funds already. If not a surplus.
~Issue: Foundational Shifting.
a) Breast tissue should not exceed past the 3rd rib.
b) Thigh tissue would like to report on record that it is at capacity and is not taking applications for expansion projects. Please cc this item to the Ass, the Stomach, and the BackFat.
Understand that these are legitimate and pressing concerns. If you cannot address these concerns before your eviction date of February 23, 2010, legal action may be imminent. Prompt and thorough action is appreciated.
~P.S. Please anticipate arrival of Memo regarding the Profusion of Flatulence. This is sensitive material and should be kept confidential.