"I can't really explain it to you," my friend Betteanne says, "because you're still pregnant and you really don't believe me, but let me just warn you that after the baby is born, you are going to be Down for a while." There is a menacing pause over the wire.
"I mean," she speaks slowly, as if I'm retarded, "you will just be...Down."
And she's right, I don't believe her, or maybe I just can't believe her, because I'm huge and pregnant and cannot imagine anything feeling worse than how I feel now, like a Sperm Whale.
But I know what she means now, this first month home with the baby who turns into a vicious demon at 4 o'clock, the same spirited girl-child I wished for who never stops screaming.
Down. Gotcha.
What it means when you are Down is that you don't know what the fuck you are doing, and you have to pop a Xanax in the middle of the day because you feel like you might drown, and your Mother-in-Law is sitting in your kitchen, waiting for you to make her lunch.
And maybe, if you think about it long enough and let the fear get the best of you, Down is what those women were who threw their kids out of Buick sedans or smothered them with throw pillows because they couldn't handle their own incompetence any longer. Sometimes that kind of Down is almost within your mental grasp and you have to lock yourself in the laundry room for a while.
So I'm doing what Betteanne told me to do, which is to mark a month from now on the calendar with a big black X. When I start to feel Down, I look at that X and know by the time I reach it, I will be less Down. And the month after that. And if you keep doing it your Down isn't so bad any more.
But sometimes the Down is awful, and you cannot for the life of you figure out how to soothe this little thing. This thing that they somehow trusted you to bring home. And yet. There's a winter sky and open arms and music on the radio.
You pick her up, hold her flush against your body, dance, and she makes this funny squeaky sigh, and suddenly it feels like Us Against the World.
And if I were Roy Rodgers,
I'd sure enough be single,
I couldn't bring myself to
Marrying old Dale--
It'd just be me and Trigger
We'd go riding through them movies
We'd buy a boat and on the sea we'd sail
And Miss D. and I dance and sing with Lyle and I imagine that, too, I am on a Pony on my Boat out on the Sea.
*****Author's Note: This is an autobiographical essay on post-partum depression and its effects on the body, brain and psyche of the person afflicted. It is not a diatribe or slander against any of the following: the mentally handicapped, Mother-in-Laws, or unmade lunch. It should be noted that the author of this piece was not in shackles at any point during the post-partum period and the assumption of any appetite for lunch was purely speculation of the author. Mention of unmade lunch was purely a literary tool used to underscore the feelings of desperation and overwhelming helplessness of the author. Any offense given to the mentally handicapped, Mother-in-laws or unmade lunch is unintentional and regretted. In addition, the author would like to note her previously stated appreciation and respect for her own wonderful Mother-in-Law here and here.
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Most days I try to keep moving fast enough that Down can't catch me. It doesn't always work.
ReplyDeleteBless you, I've never had children so I don't know about that Down. I have been a step-mom (evil as they come, I'm sure) and yes, mommying is the hardest job on earth.
ReplyDeleteThis is wonderful ... The girl child that I so desperately wished for made me Down too. Even 7 years later it's unspeakably comforting to know I was neither crazy nor alone.
ReplyDeleteI don't know exactily what to say. You always have a way of touching me.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully honest and well written. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself. We have all faced the Down at some point. It's nice to think we're not alone.
ReplyDeleteWonderfully honest and moving. Thank you for letting this all out as it is so important.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful as always! I can totally relate.
ReplyDeleteThe "X" idea sounds like an excellent one. But if it doesn't work, just give the mother-in-law dry bread and water.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine what this is like since we are kidless, but I agree that a little Lyle makes everything better.
ReplyDeleteSomehow, saying it never seems to hurt. It brings Down out of your head and into the air, maybe helping it dissipate just a bit. And then, singing and dancing always seems to help, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteHang in there, TKW. We're here...
My firstborn is 22, but boy do I remember Down. It was never so bad as it was that first time. I like your idea to mark the calendar. And make small attainable goals, maybe one a day....or week.
ReplyDeleteThen suddenly 4 months go by and it passes...
This is beautifully written.
I still get Down moments, and I don't handle them well. It's the exhaustion... it's the emotions... it's every little thing.
ReplyDeleteAnd friend... do we have the same mother in law? Mine told me she'd bring a vegetable course for dinner when I was two months pregnant with Paige (for Christmas actually... we did a full Christmas dinner... morning sickness included) and she brought a bag of frozen broccoli and told me to prepare it however I wanted.
Nice. That's some kind of Down.
This was wonderful. I've got tears in my eyes remembering.
Beautifull written...thanks for tackling a touch subject and touching my heart this morning.
ReplyDeleteI want to send this to all of my pregnant friends--and I will be bookmarking it for later use whenever I find myself in this situation.
ReplyDeleteI've lived with chronic low grade Down for most of my life, and thank god somehow babies lifted it. But I know for many it just gets worse. This post is wonderful
ReplyDeleteThank you. You are well aware, I am sure, of my Down periods.
ReplyDeleteGood advice...I don't know about having kids but I know what I am like and I suspect I will experience this...when I do get down, I often find staring in the mirror and telling yourself it will lift helps...it does normally lift...I enjoyed this post...it was beautifully written xxx
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. Sometimes you know it is coming and sometimes you just get caught in it. You know that it will be over, but not when or how to make it stop. I hate that. But I know it.
ReplyDeleteI've been Down...and am Down now...trying to get back up!!
ReplyDeleteI also can relate. Thank you for sharing so we all feel less alone in this. Writing about my Down ALWAYS is the best pick me UP.
ReplyDeletexx
Good grief, how I do know Down. Not sure anyone understands Down until they've been there, had a few drinks with it, and woken up the next morning covered in Down.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. That X is calling.
My Baby Blues started the first time started at the hospital. I swear I couldn't stop crying and telling everyone that I wasn't post partum...not that that is a bad thing. I'm not sure why the vast population doesn't get "down" Its a fact of life, something you go through. Thanks for talking about it.
ReplyDeleteAnd M and I did the dance thing too :)
Down. I know it too well -- not post-baby Down (am afraid of what that will be like when my time comes) but the Down that has followed me since I was 13. Thanks for capturing your experience with it. Hoping things get better soon.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
I'm so glad your boat has a pony.
ReplyDeletehugs,
The Unicorn
It is a brave post like this that makes the blogosphere a cherished place. Thanks for capturing so eloquently what many others have felt. And for reminding me to be grateful that I never experienced this particular brand of Down. I hope I never do.
ReplyDeleteI know the Down you are speaking of. I know it oh so well. I wish I had been blogging when my babies were babies. Oh, the support we could have garnered.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a beautifully honest, raw and amazing post that is going to touch so many hearts today. You are a beautiful soul, TKW!
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ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. This was beautifully written. I too get Down sometimes. I thought January (dark, cold and miserable outside) was going to be a killer. But so far it has been the best month I've had in a very long time! Writing really helps in healing and lifting your spirits! I hope you Down is over soon.
ReplyDeleteThe worst part about that particular type of Down for me were those few moments when I could see with clarity the balls that I was dropping and the moments that I was missing, but my complete inability to do anything to keep myself afloat.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this poignant reminder of how wonderful it feels to be back Up.
Gorgeous writing today, though, it strikes fear in my childless heart. But I suppose it's good to know what to expect one day and know I'm not some freak.
ReplyDeleteI too suffered from severe postpartum depression/anxiety which left me virtually crippled. My husband had to take day after day off of work because I just couldn't get out of bed to deal with reality. I look back now, 6 years later, and am thankful for those days because they have made me the woman I am today. Please seek help in other women, they are your healing.
ReplyDeleteHere's to you . . . and to dancing with your kids to Lyle. Hang in there as your ride those Natural Forces.
ReplyDeleteJesus, this scares me, Witch. You know this scares me.
ReplyDeleteAnd you know there is nothing that makes me smile and feel less down (for mine is still lowercase) than being upon my pony on my boat.
"Look
I understand too little too late
I realize there are things you say and do
You can never take back
But what would you be if you didn't even try
You have to try
So after a lot of thought
I'd like to reconsider
Please
If it's not too late
Make it a cheeseburger"
Maybe TBA *should* be Fiona.
I think as mothers, we all get the "downs" now and then. Life is not smooth. Unfortunately, it continues. Your children are your children, no matter what the age.
ReplyDeleteI had the downs when I discovered I was pregnant with my third in three years....and had an hyperactive second born. But I made it and they do grow up.You grow smarter.
OH, I remember the Down like it was yesterday..wait - it was yesterday.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, it gets better.
Friends.. You need LOTSA friends. and coffee. Xanax works pretty good too. but get your mother inlaw outa the house and back where she belongs.
hugs.
Tomorrow I'll have an award at my place for you, hope you'll stop by to pick it up!
ReplyDeleteDown DOES go away. It might take awhile. But in the meantime, do as little as possible. Take lots of care of yourself, and if you can, surround yourself with good friends. (Not mother-in-law friends.) It will pass. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to pop in and reassure you that this is a piece I'm re-working; it's old (Miss D. is now 8) but it was such a lonely and surreal time of my life. I've had many Downs since then (and had many before the Down I wrote about) but they do, thank goodness, lessen. I am okay. Maybe not always mentally stable, but okay :)
ReplyDeleteI have the best, most supportive, most courageous readers in the world. I wish I'd known you then.
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ReplyDeleteArgh! Typos!
ReplyDeleteAnyways...
Nap, you gonna be just fine. I'm thinking you are gonna stay lower-case. But you know who to talk to if you get to the D.
You better not cross her
If you try to boss her
Then you better duck, Mister
Here come a cup and a saucer...
Ah, our feisty Fiona. I loved that name.
I'm sending to my Down mama friends.
ReplyDeleteThe hardest thing about Down is when you suffer alone and don't even realize you're Down. You're too busy trying to just get by and make it to bedtime. It's posts like this that put a name to it and start to strip it of its power. Hearts, TKW.
ReplyDeleteTHIS needs to be shared with all pregnant friends or friends with new babies. Lovely writing on an otherwise sad and neglected subject.
ReplyDeleteDelete that update, TKW. It apologizes for the way you felt...underwater. Or, at least, move the caveats to the end of the text. Really. This is a powerful and important post, and nobody could possibly think it was about anything but how it feels to breathe and think through mud. The mentally ill know that your mental state is not commentary on their own. Your mother in law can't possibly think you were commenting on her. And the unmade lunch...well, aren't unmade lunches the point of depression? Along with all the other stuff that's just...too...hard...to...do?
ReplyDeleteDelete the caveats. Stand tall on your writing, honesty, and pain.
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ReplyDelete