White Trash Motherlode: Crabmeat Appetizers

The girl with the clean face and the red dress is my sister's childhood friend, Katie. You know that stereotype about redheads and their feisty nature? Katie fit the bill. Many times, with Katie in residence, my sister got into mischief.

There was the time my mother caught them in the backyard, naked as jaybirds, playing "doctor" with a bewildered neighbor boy.

There was the time my mother discovered them, covered head to toe, in her favorite lipstick.

There was the time they sneaked yet again into my mother's room (a forbidden spot after the lipstick incident) and proceeded to pour an entire bottle of Chanel #5 all over Mama's bed.

I also think there's a little tidbit somewhere about a small fire, but my memory's a little rusty on that one.

It's a good thing that Mama and Katie's mother, Sue, were such good friends, because I think Mama was tempted to kill Katie several times.

Katie had a little brother named David--also a redhead--and he, too, was a pistol. His area of expertise was The Public Houdini. I can't count the number of times we'd be out somewhere, like a restaurant or a mall, Mama and Sue chatting away, and suddenly Sue would startle, wild-eyed.

"Where's David?" she would cry in alarm, and always, we kids had no idea.

The most infamous instance of the Public Houdini was at a rustic, Western-themed restaurant. This restaurant, in a show of cowboy gimmicry, kept a live bear on the premises. Before or after dinner, parents could parade their kids outside and lo and behold! There was a live, caged bear! PETA would be all over this shit now, but in the early 70's, I guess there wasn't a thing wrong with keeping a caged bear on restaurant turf.

On a rare trip to said restaurant, after the salad course, there was suddenly a "Where's David?" moment. Everyone scattered, hunting for David. He was discovered, standing nose-to-nose with the bear, tormenting the creature with a long stick. Then, between the dessert course and coffee, he vanished again. This time, he hit up the restaurant's quaint little General Store, and came back brandishing 2 giant Havana cigars.

Not surprisingly, Sue was often tired.

Sue held parties only a few times a year, but we were always invited and I always dreaded them. My sister and Katie would pair off and lock themselves in Katie's room; I was stuck with David. I would pound on Katie's door, begging admittance, but they always laughed and yelled, "Get Lost, Pest!"

Sulkily, I played G.I. Joe with David, who wasn't thrilled to be playing with me, either. My mind would race the entire time, imagining all of the awesomeness going on behind that closed door.

The only thing that made these parties bearable was the Crabmeat Appetizer Sue made. I'd wolf so many of these suckers down that I couldn't eat dinner. But Sue didn't mind. She knew that several hours with David was hard, hungry work. If a girl needed her crack snack to weather through, so be it.

Crabmeat Appetizers

1 stick softened butter
1 jar Old English Sharp Cheddar Cheese Spread
1 1/2 teaspoons mayonnaise
1 (7oz.) can crabmeat, drained
1/2 teaspoon garlic salt
6 english muffins, split in half.

Beat butter and cheese spread with a mixer until fluffy. Beat in mayonnaise and garlic salt. Stir in crabmeat.

Spread crab mixture evenly over English muffin halves. Freeze. When ready to serve, remove from freezer and cut each muffin half into 6 pieces. Thaw only a few minutes.

Pop in the oven under the broiler until bubbly and slightly brown.