Thursday, February 18, 2010

Neighbor Friday: Bad Mommy Moments-Update!

Hi Readers! I'm so happy to bringing you a ditty from my dear friend ck over at Bad Mommy Moments. Ck is truly one of my favorite writers. She's funny with a capital "F" but she can also bring you to tears in no time; if I didn't love her to pieces, I'd hate her. I'm that jealous of what she can do with a pen (or a keyboard).

I've been an ardent fan of her blog since I first started blogging last April. This girl can bring it!

She's bringing the funny today, so relax and enjoy!

For more neighbor fun, click on the icon below and hop over to The Never-True Tales for some good reading!




And in the I Am a Total Dork Department!
...I forgot to mention that I'm at Kristen's awesome site Motherese today! I'd love it if you'd come visit!


***
ONE and I enter the bagel bakery with great hopes of different things. I want an everything bagel, lightly toasted with just a *kiss* of cream cheese. She wants cream cheese – lots of cream cheese - with or without the bagel. For me, the soft and crunchy breakfast is what I’ve been craving for the last thirteen hours. For her, the bagel is a mere vehicle to get the creamy spread into her mouth as quickly as possible. I won’t allow her to eat it directly from the tub at home--and she would. I'm a meanie that way.

ONE is all about white these days. White shirts, white dresses, white nightgowns. The moment I clothe her dolls, she strips them back down to see the white canvas of their torsos. Warm milk is her drink of choice. Basically, if there is anything nearby in any shade of white, she wants it.

Like the attention of the white-haired lady waiting behind us for bagels. ONE smiles at the woman until she makes eye contact and waves back. An invitation.

ONE: “My mommy has a baby in her tummy.”

WHITE-HAIRED LADY: “Oh does she?”

ONE: “I going to be a big sister.”

WHITE-HAIRED LADY: “Isn’t that nice.”

ONE: “Yeah.”

The white-haired lady turns to me.

WHITE-HAIRED LADY: “She speaks very well.”

ME: “Thanks.” I tap my feet. Our bagels should be done by now. I am so hungry I’m about to rip it out of Bagel Boy’s hands, but he hasn’t put the cream cheese on it yet. He seems confused by the toaster.

ONE: “My mommy puts whipped cream on my gy-nie. Makes it feel good.”

The white-haired lady’s mouth dips into a little O. She stares at me. So do the people behind her. I smile and pull ONE close.

ME: “No, no, Sweetie.” I force a laugh. “That’s not whipped cream. It’s Des-i-tin.”

ONE: “NO Des-i-tin. WHIPPED CREAM like on my JELL-O.”

ME (low voice): “Pea, relax. We’ll talk about it when we get in the car.”

ONE: “NO! I GOTS WHIPPED CREAM ON MY GY-NIE.” She plops down on the floor and reaches under her (white) skirt for her (white) panties.

ONE: “I show you!”

The store is silent. A baker’s dozen worth of customers lean in.

BAGEL BOY: “I got an E-T toasted with cheese and a Raisin Cinnamon with extra cheese over here. Anyone?”

I grab my irate child before her "performance" gets our bagels comped and pull her towards the register. Bagel Boy waits for us there, his eyes wide. I throw some crumpled bills at him and leave without my change.

I keep my eyes forward as I march my screaming child to the car and buckle her into the car seat. She yanks her bagel out of the bag and hurls the wax paper to the floor. I let it fall and slam her door shut.

I take a deep breath. Another. I get in the car and back out of the parking spot. I catch ONE’s reflection in the rear view mirror; a white goatee already lines her chin. As I drive away and take a bite of my highly-anticipated, lightly toasted everything bagel, I realize it’s dry.

Bagel Boy forgot the cheese.

***

Thanks, ck, for agreeing to be my neighbor today! I love ya, kid. You always make me smile.

40 comments:

  1. This is hilarious! I have *so* had that moment. How is it that the citizens of the world (or, at least, customers at the same store where I happen to be shopping) don't know that's just how it is. Yes, she will show you her junk and, no, it's not because of whatever judgment call you make.

    Just know you are never alone! :)

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  2. CK, you had to be fun if TKW said you were, and she was right! I'm heading over to your blog now.

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  3. Well, if Bagel Boy forgets the creamed cheese, you could always use the Desitin...I mean gynie whipped cream.

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  4. If I had a nickel all the times one of our three embarrassed the hell out of us......

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  5. Kids are awesome, and embarrassing, and wonderful, and humiliating.

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  6. That is awesome! (Too bad she speaks so clearly, hmmm?) Thanks for participating in Neighbor Friday! Can't wait to get to know you better!

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  7. I recently put Desitin on my four-year-old because her va-jay-jay was irritated and itchy. Man, that stuff works for any and all kinds of irritation! I might try it myself.

    But now she keeps asking me how long the white "gel" is going to be in her "vagina." It doesn't come off very easily in the bath. . .

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  8. I have not laughed that hard in days :)
    Thank you!

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  9. Oh, that is good. HILARIOUS!

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  10. LOVE IT! Dear lord ONE's personality fractures me!!

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  11. CK, you and your kiddos rock. As always!

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  12. Gotta love kids! I can remember my son announcing in the check out line to the young woman working the register in Costco that his mom had a Gy-nie.... She did not understand, so he said it louder for her.

    Great post!

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  13. I cannot stop laughing. I don't think I will ever see a can of whipped cream again without thinking of this gem of a story. Thanks to you both for the bigtime chuckle!

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  14. How'd you know I needed a good laugh?!

    Nell

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  15. ck, you are awesome as always!

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  16. First thought: if I had been in that line I would have been laughing my butt off!

    Second thought: who would really believe that you put whipped cream on your daughter's vagina?

    Third thought: how could bagel boy forget the best part of the bagel???

    Final thought: you rock. As always.

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  17. this must be a ck imposter. there's no threat to break my fingers if I take her bagel or words! :)
    jc

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  18. LOL too cute! Have had many embarassing moments with my youngest in public places.

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  19. Oh, what a wonderful way to start the day! I always enjoy a good laugh over coffee.

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  20. This is hysterical! I can so believe this conversation. Thank you for the laugh this morning!

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  21. Oh, you have such a great story to get her with when she's 14!

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  22. I am laughing so hard...gotta love kids for the situations they put us into!

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  23. So funny!For a second, I got nervous that this was going to be a Lifetime-esque story that involved some overzealous social worker. Glad it stayed on this side of funny!

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  24. I. Would. Have. Died! This is so hilarious, I must forward it to my sister right now! :)

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  25. This is one for the ages!!! Love it!!!

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  26. Oh my, I completely forgot how embarrasing little kids can be. I think you handled it quite well. But damn that bagel boy. I'm sure at that point you weren't going to go back in for your "cream".

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  27. What can one do but laugh (if not slump over the steering wheel with a great big "WTF?") after that! That, ck, was epic.

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  28. That one should go down in the books of IOU Mom. ONE is freaking hilarious. That girl has moxie and I love it! Great post.

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  29. If only they made Desitin in pink or green, maybe it wouldn't have made such an impression ... anything but white!

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  30. ck rocks! I am definitely going to be eyeing my bagel differently on Saturday morning...

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  31. That is excellent. Are kids trying to kill us or just save us from our own stiff minds?

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  32. Thank you for lending me your stage, TKW! I'm honored for the opportunity to share my story with your awesome readers.

    And thank you, TKW's readers, your comments. Reading them made my day! I'm on my way to check you guys out.

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  33. I. Um. Got nothing. Unless you count a sudden craving for cream cheese...and desitin.

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  34. Mortifying yet hilarious! I know my time will come soon enough. :)

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  35. So glad I have a boy! All he talks about are the "squishies" that live next to his penis. :D

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  36. Hahahahaha - laughed out loud. Thanks so much!

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  37. ohmyword....that is embarrassing...that is ground opening up and swallowing you...and insult to injury - no cheese! Argh! xxx

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  38. Oh, I remember this post, you put it up and took it down in a flash before I could comment!

    The most disappointing part of the entire post was the lack of cream cheese. I'm glad you have all of these great stories of ONE, they will make for superb blackmail in her teen years.

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