Sunday, October 18, 2009

Jumbo Shrimp: Not an Oxymoron

Readers, I need to share something with you. It's time. Those of you who read this blog with any regularity have, I'm sure, figured out that I have a few (just a few, mind you!) character flaws. Hard to believe, I know.

But there's one flaw that I haven't shared with you yet. Despite many years of therapy, and tears, and hand-wringing, there's a habit I have that I just can't kick.

I cannot, for the life of me, tell any cretin who rings my doorbell selling something to Fuck Off.

In fact, the person at my door doesn't even have to be selling something. Example: I am an agnostic. I'm pretty damn sure of this. And yet,whenever those sweet-faced Mormon boys come a-calling, with their earnest smiles and their ill-fitting suits, I let them in. I give them lemonade. I let them use the loo. I won't talk religion with them, but I'll let 'em in. This summer, I had a pair of dudes who came to my house every couple of weeks, because they knew I'd let them pee and offer them popsicles. I am that bad.

And you know what? Most of the people who come to my door are selling something, because I have hardly any friends. And I'd really like to be able to tell those strangers at my door to Fuck Off. I would.

And the person I'd most like to tell to Fuck Off is The Creepy Meat Man. Miss D. came up with that title for him, and it's fitting. He makes our collective skin crawl.

Not only does he have beady little toad eyes and bad breath and maybe 5 teeth in his mouth, The Creepy Meat Man is a stalker. He rings my doorbell once a week, even though I've told him repeatedly that we have only 2 real meat eaters in the house and he should not come by more than once a month, at *most*.

Somewhere in his tiny lizard brain, The Creepy Meat Man always seems to know when I'm home. Which would be no problem if I could just ignore the doorbell. But I have children. And when the doorbell rings, my children behave eerily similar to dogs. They call out, run excitedly in circles, peek out the window.


Mostly, I say NO to The Creepy Meat Man. But once in a blue moon, I will not want to go to the grocery store, so I break down and buy something. And because of that occasional folly, I am stuck with him. Now he will not go away, no matter how often I answer the door, smile tightly and growl, "Don't need anything."

In addition to The Creepy Meat Man, we have a Not-So-Creepy Meat Man. He only comes once every six weeks and gives me free cheesecake, so of course I let him in the door. Plus, he sells really good product.

Like the GINORMOUS shrimp he carries only 4 times a year. No lie, these shrimp could eat Miss M. for breakfast...they're that big. And I can never resist them, particularly if I'm having a party.

Thus was the case the other week; I had a large bag of T-Rex Shrimp and friends coming over, so I created an appetizer with them. I'd love to say that everyone raved about how delicious the shrimp were (true) but mostly, all I got was, "Holy Crap! Look at the size of those buggers!"

And indeed, they were impressive.

Proscuitto-Wrapped T-Rex Shrimp over Greens
serves 6

12 big-ass shrimp (the biggest you can find), peeled and deveined
12 fresh basil leaves
6 slices proscuitto, thinly sliced and cut in half
6 cups mixed greens, tossed with your favorite viniagrette

Heat grill (or a grill pan) to medium-high. Season the shrimp lightly with salt and pepper. Nestle a basil leaf in the groove of each shrimp (where the vein has been taken out). Wrap shrimp tightly with the proscuitto, securing with toothpicks, if necessary. Drizzle lightly with olive oil.

Grill 2-5 minutes per side, depending on the size of your shrimp.

Serve over greens, drizzled with a little extra viniagrette.

*So I guess it's okay to answer the door sometimes. But seriously, I need an "Answer-The-Door" Intervention. Either that, or an advertisement in Guns-and-Ammo, because the Creepy Meat Man needs to go.


  1. Jumbo Shrimp is my favorite oxymoron, just for the record. ;) And you definitely need to stop letting people who ring your doorbell just come inside. It's just not safe these days, sadly. (And Creepy Meat Man IS a stalker. Do NOT answer the next time he rings! He will get the message...)

    Ok, is that enough bossiness for one comment? ;)

  2. Nail a pig's head to your door, let the blood drip and form a puddle around the Welcome Mat. Wait, just wait........

  3. These shrimp look really great. (And I love your party plates!)

    Next time creepy meat man shows up it's time to tell him you've all become vegetarians and he need not bother stopping anymore. If he comes round again then hand him some PETA literature- he won't be back!

    (I second Ink's comment of please tell me your not letting all these people inside???)

  4. Creepy Meat Man sounds like he could be something out of a horror Ed Gain or something - not to further creep you out!!

    We used to have Robin, the fish man from Bristol when I was a teenager. Boy was he beautiful - floppy mid-length dirty blonde hair, irresistable smile.... I used to flirt with him like nobody's did my mum and sister. We LOVED the fishman. Mum would buy tons of fish (expensive too) just because she wanted him to stay longer...Our stepdad used to get jealous! Ah...where he is now, who knows? I used to dream of going to Bristol to find him! :) xxx

  5. I never answer the door, I let the dogs bark the kids peek and just ignore it. Because I know I can't say no either, LOL

  6. I never answer the door...probably why I don't have friends too :)
    Seriously I'm not good at saying no so I would rather ignore.

  7. Why can't I have these people knock on my door? Ok, maybe not creepy meat man, but the others are more than welcome to pay me a visit.

  8. Creepy meat men... we have men sell tea towels and dusters around here!

  9. I wish someone else in my house liked shrimp b/c I LOVE EM!! And I can't say no's sad.

  10. I can't say no, either, and my kids always give away my hiding place. My latest is saying yes to the milkman (that could be a sit-com) because I felt bad for him standing out in the rain. Now I get milk delivered every Friday for twice the price of the grocery store. But you know what? I sort of like not having to go out for milk all the time. I'm so 1950s...

  11. Wait, people still sell things door-to-door? AND PEOPLE STILL LET THEM IN?

    That's it, TKW. I'm coming over and answering your door for a week. Creepy Meat Man will never show his beady little toad eyes again.

  12. lol lol crack me up. I cant tell people to fuck off either. I cant politely tell them no. But then they just push and push and push, and that is when I want to flip them the bird, but I just dont have the heart!!!

  13. I have similar problems saying no to people. But, you need to be careful! I think CK definitely needs to come over and put this man in his place. That shrimp dish looks to die for! Count me in the next time you get a delivery and I will be making those for my next get together!

  14. jc: You might just be the most brilliant, deviant, genius on the planet. A bloody pig's head just might work...then again, maybe The Creepy Meat Man would take a hard look at that head and say, "Uncle Bob? Is that you?"

    Phoo: I need some of those PETA brochures ASAP! After Bean Week From Hell, it wouldn't be *that* big of a lie, right?

    CC: Please send Robin right on over. I will ship The Creepy Meat Man to the UK free of charge.

    Gibs: guess what? We get milk delivered too! Because, guess who couldn't say NO to the milk guy that came to the door?

    ck: I am in agreement with Laura. Clearly, you need to move here.

    Cyn: Okay, okay, you are right. I will clarify that The Creepy Meat Man is never allowed in the house. But I do allow the Mormons. I will try to reform, promise.

  15. Oh my god...meat being sold door to door? That is CREEPY. My husband and I always fight about who is going to answer the door because we're both suckers.

  16. You've already heard this from many others but DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR when Creepy Meat Man rings. Surely, with all the commotion heard inside (kids running to the door to see who it is, you shouting to the kids "It's nobody! Hurry back to Spongebob - it's over in 10 minutes!") and the fact that you're STILL not opening the door will be a sign to him. Surely!

  17. I am laughing my f'ing ass off over here!! Training woman, training!! If we see somebody combing the neighborhood, I warn the kids...make it into a game and be really quiet. See how many times they will knock before they get the hint. Once our side door was open and we were all sniggering in the kitchen and I started to worry this persistent sob would come around to the side and catch us mid-act, LOL!!!

    Okay...I'm sorry to be longwinded...but this totally reminds me of a story my husband told me. Back in Mexico his aunt had bought something from somebody on credit and one day the guy came collecting. Her daughter answered the door and went and told her said "tell him I'm not home right now", whilst hiding behind the door. Daughter proceeds to go out and say "My mom says she's not home right now!" LOL...omg, roll on the floor every time I think of it...I can just picture it :D

  18. You have to Toughen Up (but I know it's hard). I love proscuitto and shrimp and make a divine dish with that combo plus heavy cream. Yum!

  19. Funny, I bet we all have a good picture in our minds what Creepy Meat Man looks like. I don't answer the door unless I've invited them to come and sell me something. Besides it's such a pain with the dog. Usually I let him do his thing and they say "Uhh that's a big dog..." Yeah, he is. (of course if I let him out he'd run right by them looking for a stick they can throw him).

    I don't like to encourage kids selling door to door, (unless they're the Creepy Meat Man's hehe!!

  20. I already have a twin sister, so you must be our long lost triplet! I am the exact same way - but seriously, I've never heard of a meat man going door to door!

    My husband would be in heaven - and unfortunately, we have a deep freeze in our basement that is big enough to fit 6 whole bodies.

    Um, not that we have ever tried that! :D

  21. Hahaha...much needed laughter. I especially love: "And when the doorbell rings, my children behave eerily similar to dogs. They call out, run excitedly in circles, peek out the window." You had me wiping my tears with a dirty diaper :)

    The shrimpies look very large and sound even more delicious. Yum!

  22. That is so funny, I am totally opposite, if I see anyone coming I turn them around and send them packing...even if I like their product! Maybe I'm known and the crazy bitch while you are 'nice lemonade lady'???
    whateva the shrimp look awesome!

  23. My granny use to answer the door holding an unloaded shotgun. For some reason they always took no for an answer and they never came back, curious huh? :D

  24. So now I know where to send my kids when they are selling wrapping paper and cookie dough and Girl Scout cookies....

    You are such a softie :)

  25. I have a creepy meat man too - he drives around in a beat up truck with a COOLER in the back. Not even a real refrigerated truck.

    But that's ghetto Florida for you.

  26. Door-to-door meat salesmen are somewhat offputting, I'll not lie. But if they offer cheesecake? Okay. You're right, you should cultivate that relationship like... like something that would complete that analogy. I don't know. I don't cultivate things.

    But prosciutto and shrimp? God damn does that sound amazing. Now I'm hungry. Really, really hungry.