Shrink-My-Ass-Month: Portobello Benedict

Am I the only person on the planet who thinks Hollandaise sauce is the Devil's work? That shit be nasty. Fatty, gloppy, lukewarm sauce the color of pee...do I want that on my eggs? No. But thanks, really.

This aversion is actually good when you are deep in the month of Project Posterior Shrinkage. Hollandaise has no place in SMAM.

I was intrigued by this recipe because duh, there's no Hollandaise in it. Plus, it seemed kind of genius to use a grilled portobello mushroom in lieu of the English muffin.

*Little Side Rant: Okay, people, is it portobellO or portobellA? Because I've made recipes with both spellings, and as an English Nerdlet, it bugs me. Which is right? My anal-retentive self needs to know!!!!*

This recipe seemed perfect for a lazy Sunday morning, so Saturday I went to the grocery store and picked up the ingredients.

Lazy Sunday Morning, my fat fanny. At 4:55 am I was awakened to something akin to: "Reeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Hubs and I both bolted up in bed.

"Holy Shit, what was that?" hubs said.

"A peacock circumcision?" I wagered.

And then, of course, the aftermath. Two small girls raced into our bedroom, eager to spill the gory details and place the blame firmly on the head of the other.

Long story short: if you slam a door very forcefully on a kittycat's tail, you will be greeted with "Reeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"

What the heck those girls were doing making mischief at 4:55 am is beyond me.

So my morning started oh, 2 1/2 hours earlier than I would have liked. At least breakfast was delicious. In fact, hubs declared it the best thing he's eaten for breakfast EVER. Now he might have been plying me with praise because I was rather irritable after my rude and premature awakening, but I'll take any compliment I can get.



Grilled Portobello Benedict
serves 4
from Ellie Krieger's So Easy

Cooking spray
4 portobello mushroom caps (about 4 ounces each)
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/4 teaspoon salt, plus more to taste
4 slices Canadian bacon
4 large eggs
4 large egg whites
2 tablespoons water
Freshly ground black pepper to taste
4 teaspoons store-bought pesto
8 fresh basil leaves, cut into ribbons
4 teaspoons freshly grated Parmesan cheese

Preheat grill pan sprayed with cooking spray.

With a spoon, gently scrape out the dark inside of the mushroom caps (the gills), being careful not to break the cap. Brush both sides of the mushroom caps with the oil and season with 1/4 teaspoon salt. Grill the mushrooms over medium-high heat until they are tender and their juices begin to release, about 7 minutes per side. Transfer each mushroom to a plate, top side down.

On the same grill pan, cook the Canadian bacon slices over medium-high heat until they are warm and grill marks have formed, about 30 seconds per side. Place one slice of bacon in each of the mushroom caps.

In a medium-sized bowl, whisk the eggs, egg whites, and water together until well combined. Spray a medium-sized nonstick skillet with cooking spray and heat over medium-low heat. Add the eggs and scramble until cooked through, about 3 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.

Spoon 1/4 of the egg mixture into each mushroom cap. Drizzle 1 teaspoon of the pesto over each and top with some of the basil ribbons and 1 teaspoon of Parmesan cheese.

*When I make this again, I think I'm going to add a few chopped sun-dried tomatoes and mix them in with the eggs. I thought the finished dish just sort of needed something red in it. I'm an aesthetic weirdo that way.

Author's Note: Since I am sure you are all dying from curiosity, Harryboy is okay. He did, however, scuttle around with the crazy eyes all morning.

Shrink-My-Ass-Month: Spaghetti Frittata

Roughly twice a year, my husband decides that he's fat. This tickles me for two reasons: One, he's not fat. Ever. Two, he's a bigger girl than I am, because I only decide that I'm fat roughly once a year.

Whenever hubs decides that he needs to go on le regime, I heckle him mercilessly for a day or two and then agree to help him manage his food.

This is a little more high maintenance than it seems. Dinner is no problem--I mean, I'm cooking it anyways. But le regime requires that hubs takes breakfast, lunch and a healthy snack to work, because he's too busy to go out for lunch and the hospital food is...well, you know.

Lunch I can handle. I pack a healthy wrap or the leftovers from last night's nutritious dinner or, if I'm desperately pressed for time, one of those Kashi frozen meals. Add fruit and a leeetle nibble of dark chocolate, and we're done.

Breakfast is a trickier affair. Hubs will eat cereal maybe once a week. He hates yogurt. And oatmeal. Doesn't much care for peanut butter. Fruit is a once a day affair, at lunch. Le regime needs to be protein packed, so this usually means eggs. But not hard boiled; he doesn't like them that way. Readers, meet Mr. High Maintenance!

While I'm willing to do this for him (but only twice a year), breakfast is an ass-pain for me to figure out. Because, if your mornings look anything like mine, you know that mornings are whacked-out, ugly, whirlwind Freakshows.

Solution? The humble frittata. I can make a large, healthy, eggy frittata early in the week, cut it into wedges, wrap up each wedge and hubs is good to go for several days. Plus, frittatas are equally good hot or cold, so if he's nowhere near a microwave, it's still fine.

As luck would have it, hubs has started on le regime at the same time I'm running Shrink-My-Ass-Month. That simplifies things, at least.

I was intrigued with this recipe because unlike regular frittatas, which often feature potatoes, this features whole-wheat spaghetti. Pasta and eggs? Well, now that I think of it, they work fine together in Spaghetti Carbonara, so why not?

This recipe came out beautifully and tastes delicious. And breakfast is one less thing I have to think about it when the Freakshow starts at the crack of dawn.



Spaghetti Frittata
serves 4
from Ellie Krieger's So Easy

5 large eggs
5 large egg whites
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 small onion, chopped or sliced thinly into half-moons
5 cups baby spinach leaves
1/4 cup sun-dried tomatoes (not oil-packed), reconstituted in boiling water for 10 minutes, chopped
1 large clove garlic, minced
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
2 cups cooked whole-wheat spaghetti (4 oz. dry spaghetti), tossed with 1/2 cup marinara sauce
1/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese

In a medium bowl, whisk together the eggs and egg whites.

Heat the oil in a large ovenproof, nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add onion and cook, stirring occasionally, until softened, 3 to 5 minutes. Add the spinach, sun-dried tomatoes, garlic, salt and pepper and cook, stirring, until the spinach is wilted, about 1 minute. Add the spaghetti to the pan and stir to combine. Pour the eggs evenly over the spaghetti and vegetables. Lower the heat to medium low and cook until the eggs are set on the edges but not in the middle, 6 to 8 minutes.

Preheat the broiler. Sprinkle the top of the frittata with cheese and place under the broiler. Cook until the top is set and golden, about 2-3 minutes; be careful not to overcook or the eggs will become tough. Cut into wedges.

Serve to your high-maintenance, vain, girly-man husband. Who is totally worth the effort.