A Memo to my Body in it's 40th Year

Dear 40-Year-Old-Body:

As the date of my 41st year rapidly approaches, I would like to have a little chat with you. You know, while I still can. Because our visiting rights are soon to expire, and I have a few leeeetle issues I'd like to address.

I realize that we didn't start out on the best of terms. I'm sorry if you were insulted that your inauguration took place in a tiny bar in Mexico, under the influence of seven tequila shots. Admittedly, I wasn't very welcoming towards you.

I am sorry if you happened to overhear the conversation between myself and the 39-Year-Old-Body, one week prior to your arrival. You know, the one where I sucked my thumb, drank grain alcohol out of the bottle and wailed, "No Fucking Way?!?!" Yeah, that one. Ahem. Water under the bridge, right?

Right??? Because I'm kind of doubting that you've forgiven me. A few things have happened this past year that, frankly, make me doubt your generosity of spirit.

I think it's best to get these issues out in the open now, so we can maybe come to some kind of agreement and resolution? You know, before Year 41 takes ownership?

Your time and cooperation in this matter is appreciated.

Sincerely,
The Management

~Issue: Paranormal Follicular Function. Please explain the following:
a) Hair growth in areas previously unafflicted. Please consult the Wandering Nose Hair from Hell for further explanation. I whacked it down with clippers about a week ago, but it should be emerging, in all it's stealthy glory, momentarily.
b) Hair loss in areas previously unafflicted. See scalp for details.
c) Change in hair color and/or texture. Now really, was this necessary? I think exhibit a and exhibit b were ample evidence that you'd begun the Reign of Terror. Did you really have to send me, three weeks after your arrival, the Lone White Pube? And did you have to present it to me when I was in the stall of a Target public restroom? Badly done, Body. Badly done.

~Issue: Volcanic Eruption of the Epidermis. Please explain:
a) The thing that used to be my chin which is now a Blackhead Farm.
b) The thing that used to be my bikini line which is now an Ingrown Hair Farm.
c) Backne?!?!

~Issue: Metabolic Desertion. See Ass for details.

~Issue: Global Warming.
a) Do the Night Sweats and the Day Sweats *have* to be so competitive? Their collective ambition is getting old.
b) Financial hardship. Consult the Water Bill for further explanation.

~Issue: Excretion Management.
a) Please withdraw excess moisture from the nasal and armpit cavities and deposit into the Vaginal Bank. It's like the Sahara down there and I'm not blowing Miss D. and Miss M.'s college fund on Astroglide.

~Issue: Depletion of the Libido.
a) Please quit transferring energy out the Libido sector. The Snacking sector has adequate funds already. If not a surplus.

~Issue: Foundational Shifting.
a) Breast tissue should not exceed past the 3rd rib.
b) Thigh tissue would like to report on record that it is at capacity and is not taking applications for expansion projects. Please cc this item to the Ass, the Stomach, and the BackFat.

Understand that these are legitimate and pressing concerns. If you cannot address these concerns before your eviction date of February 23, 2010, legal action may be imminent. Prompt and thorough action is appreciated.

~TKW

~P.S. Please anticipate arrival of Memo regarding the Profusion of Flatulence. This is sensitive material and should be kept confidential.

Bringing Singapore Home

Pulling one from the archives today because I'll be at the Chicks Who Click conference; wish me luck!

It's no secret that we love all things spicy here at Chez T. Awesome Stepkid R. is a heat freak and so am I. And like me, Awesome Stepkid R. is a bit of a show-off. So when he announced that he was bringing two friends home with him this past weekend, I decided to make something spicy. And, of course, mock his friends mercilessly if they couldn't handle the heat.

Yeah, I'm a cool Evil Stepmonster like that.

I clipped this from the November issue of Food and Wine; it's a variation of a recipe for "Singaporean chili crabs."** And best of all, it looked pretty easy!!

Chili Shrimp
serves 4
from Food and Wine Magazine, November 2009

2 pounds large shrimp, preferably head-on (ummmm, no. Barf.)
2 tablespoons ketchup
2 tablespoons dry sherry
2 tablespoons Asian sweet chile sauce
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 tablespoon sugar
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 medium jalapenos, seeded and minced
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 stalk of lemongrass, tender inner white bulb only, minced
1 tablespoon minced fresh ginger
4 scallions, thinly sliced
1/4 cup chopped cilantro
Steamed rice, for serving

Using scissors, cut down the back shell of each shrimp and remove the dark intestinal vein, leaving the shell intact. In a small bowl, combine the ketchup, sherry, chile sauce, lemon juice, soy sauce and sugar.

In a large skillet, heat 2 tablespoons of the vegetable oil. Add the deveined shrimp to the skillet and cook over high heat, turning once, until they start to curl and turn pale pink, about 2 minutes.

Add the remaining 1 tablespoon of oil to the skillet with the jalapenos, garlic, lemongrass and ginger and cook, stirring, until fragrant, about 1 minute. Add the scallions and the ketchup mixture and stir fry for 30 seconds. Spoon the shrimp onto plates and serve with rice.

I whipped this up, called the boys into the kitchen to eat, and watched like a spider in the corner, gleeful.

"It's got some spice," Friend 1 (aka: Enormous Yard Ape) said, choking a little.
"It's not hot at first, but it kind of sneaks up on you," said Friend 2 (aka: Prince Lilliput).
"This isn't spicy at all," said Awesome Stepkid R. (aka: The Boy Who Suddenly is Hairy).

I had to try it myself, just to see. First off--Delicious! These are very, very, good.

Second: the heat is definitely not an out-there, smack-you-down kind of heat. It does show itself, but it's not at all overwhelming or tongue numbing. At least in my opinion.

If you like things racy, you can do as Awesome Stepkid R. did and add some crushed red pepper to your pile of shrimp.

The boys ate the whole batch, tossing shells into bowls and licking their spice-stained fingers. Then Yard Ape, Prince Lilliput and TBWSiH grunted their thanks and descended back into the Man-Cave, which was already starting to reek of teenager and angst and promise.

**WTF is it with Asian recipes that say "crabs" and "shrimps"??? It's just weird.

Kale Chips: Epic Fail

I am greens-phobic. Not the salad kind of greens; it's those sturdy, bitter, winter greens that give me the willies. In fact, I've never cooked them, because just looking at those woody stems and ginormous leaves makes me nervous.

But I've seen several recipes this winter for Kale Chips. As in, torn leaves of kale, baked and salted, transformed into crackly and crunchy morsels not completely unlike REAL chips.

A veggie that resembles junk food? Inconceivable!

And there are even actual pictures on the Internet from food bloggers, showing small children devouring these crispy green bits of goodness. Now if kids in Pull-Ups can pony up and eat kale, I certainly can, right?

I decided to put on my big-girl underpants and not fear the kale. I actually made it to the register without returning my leafy bundle to the veggie aisle. I brought it home. I washed it. I spun it dry--because every recipe I've seen is quite *stern* about the fact that the kale must be bone dry or else it won't turn out.



I followed the basic method:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper.

Drizzle the kale with one tablespoon of olive oil and toss well to coat. Place on parchment-lined baking sheet, spacing the leaves out so they don't touch. Sprinkle kale with 1 teaspoon seasoned salt and a few grinds of pepper.

Pop the kale into the oven and roast for 7 to 15 minutes, watching VERY carefully. The recipes I read were also very *stern* in their warnings not to let the kale brown, which it will do any time between minute 7 and minute 15, depending on how hot your oven runs. Who are these Stalins of Kale? They are very bossy.

But, if the kale browns, it becomes bitter, so you really have to babysit this sucker starting at minute 7. When brittle and crackly but NOT brown, remove from oven, plate and eat.

Verdict: What the Hell is this recipe about? I was a good little rule follower, down to the letter. My kale was dry and it was not brown and it was--Garrrgggllllll! Nasty! Despite my diligence, the kale chips still tasted kind of bitter and, frankly, like crispy grass.

None of us liked it. Well, Miss M. can't say for certain because she took one look at those things and said, "I not eating that."

Sorry Kale. I guess for us, it just wasn't meant to be.

Shrink-My-Ass-Month: Salmon with Ginger-Soy Butter

Hey, it can't be all olive oil, all the time. Sometimes you just need a little butter in your life. Well, at least I do.

Now let it be noted that I said a little. I feel the need to mention this because everyone's favorite artery-clogger, Paula Deen, featured a recipe on the Food Network during an episode of her show titled "The Lighter Side." The recipe, which I'm sure is delicious, called for 8 tablespoons of butter.

Interesting! I didn't know that cooking fish for 4 people in a stick of butter was an ass-reducing method! Even I, who suckity-suck at math can figure that that's 2 tablespoons of butter per person, adding an additional 200 calories per serving.

Now I don't know about y'all, but if I'm going to consume 200 extra calories, it's gonna be on a Mojito or something, not fish, for Heaven's sake.

Which brings me to another point. Americans are fat. We are fatter than ever. We are also busier than ever and work harder than ever. Which means that when hunger strikes, we often eat out. And when we eat out, we don't really know how our meal is prepared behind the closed doors of a restaurant kitchen.

Oh, sure, we think we do. We're not stupid. Any person worried about the size of her backside knows that she shouldn't order the Fettuccine Alfredo, the Chicken-Fried Steak or the gut bomb that is the Outback Blooming Onion.

A girl who worries about the size of her butt navigates a menu carefully, makes shrewd decisions. She orders the Chopped Salad, the Chicken and Vegetable Stir-Fry, the Asian Grilled Salmon with Rice.

Menu-Savvy Girl, I applaud you. You are diligent and you are wise. So...why is your ass still fat?

Your ass is still fat because even when you make "smart" entree choices, the chef behind the closed door fattens it up with plenty of butter or oil or cream because--NewsFlash! Butter and oil and cream make food taste delicious!

Case in Point: I was leafing through my husband's Men's Health magazine (which is a great magazine, by the way) and stumbled across an article about this very same issue. Health-conscious diner walks into a restaurant, scans the menu, makes health-conscious entree selection. Wrong-o.

Say, for instance, you walk into P.F. Changs China Bistro. You are informed enough to avoid calorie grenades like the fried Crab and Cream Cheese Wontons, the Dan-Dan Noodles or the General Tso's Chicken. You aren't stupid.

You choose a healthy menu option like Asian Grilled Salmon with Rice. You eat your meal, enjoy the time out, feel good about your healthy dinner. Which had, unbeknownst to you, 734 calories, 32 grams of fat and 1,306 mg of sodium.

Is your jaw on the floor? Good, because mine sure was. Because you know what? I've actually ordered and eaten that thing. That flubbery sound you're hearing? That's the junk in my trunk. It's growing.

My point, and it's a cruel one, is that eating out on a regular basis will make you fat, even when you're trying to make informed food choices. Truly, the only way you can control the fat and calorie content in your food is to make it yourself. Sorry. I know that message sucks really hard.

I guess the only good news is that eating at home will also save you money, so there's solace in that. I think we're all a little worried about money nowadays, right?

I not telling you to stop eating at restaurants. Even I am not that big of a bitch. Eating out is fun, and social, and part of a balanced life. I definitely eat out, and I'm concerned about my health and the size of my hiney.

I'm just making the leeeetle suggestion that you eat out less. As in, less than one meal out of three, which is what the average American does. That's kind of a scary statistic there.

And instead of eating that P.F. Chang's ass-busting salmon, I'm making this.



Salmon with Ginger Soy Butter
serves 4
from Men's Health Magazine

4 salmon fillets, 4 to 6 ounces each
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened at room temperature for an hour or two
1/2 tablespoon minced chives
1/2 tablespoon fresh ginger, peeled and grated
Juice of one lemon
1/2 tablespoon low-sodium soy sauce

Combine everything except the salmon in a bowl and stir vigorously with a wooden spoon until the ingredients are incorporated.

Heat a tablespoon of olive oil or canola oil in a large stainless-steel saute pan over medium-high heat.* Season the salmon with salt and pepper; when the oil is lightly smoking, add the fish, flesh side down, to the pan. Cook for 4 to 5 minutes or until the skin is lightly charred and crisp.** Flip the fish and cook for 2-3 minutes more, until the flesh flakes with gentle pressure from your finger but is still slightly translucent in the middle. (Salmon is best served medium, but if you want yours completely cooked, saute for another 2 to 3 minutes.)

Serve the salmon with a generous spoonful of the flavored butter, which should begin to melt on contact.***

per serving: 390 calories (salmon only, cooked the Men's Health way; my way is more like 337).
cost per serving: $2.46

* I am lucky enough to own a Calphalon ridged grill pan. It's awesome. It's extremely efficient and non-stick, so I got away with brushing the salmon fillets with a mere 1/2 tablespoon of oil and then plopping them onto my grill pan. It came out perfect, did not stick and I saved 150 calories in the overall dish. If you don't have this pan, you should get one. Only caveat: do not put your expensive Calphalon pan in the dishwasher. Hand-wash this baby. The dishwasher will take away all of it's magical non-stick capabilities. I learned this the hard way.

** If you prefer, you can use skinless salmon fillets

*** I decided to melt the butter and combine it with the rest of the sauce ingredients, because I wanted to be able to drizzle a little of it over the side dishes of rice and steamed snap peas. It tasted terrific this way!

~~~~~~~~~~~

Interested in guest posting on this blog? Click here!

Reason I Suck #369-update

You know, I probably ought to quit posting about How Much I Suck. Talk about redundancy. Any of you who've popped in with any regularity already know that I'm a frequent-flyer in the suckage department. I should get bonus miles, or something.


Today I'm here to confess yet two more things I suck at. Promptness and reciprocity.

Over the past few months, some of you kind readers have been thoughtful enough to give me a Blog Award of some kind. And when I found out that I'd received each and every one of those awards, I was, truly, honored and thrilled and humbled that you thought of me. And I meant to post about those awards and pass them on, but I sort of completely and utterly failed.

I also failed to display the corresponding widgets, because I am inexplicably widget-impaired. I know it's a simple copy and paste affair, and I've followed the directions, but for some reason Blogger denies me. It won't let me display the widget on my Dashboard. GRRRRR. I'd like to kick Blogger in the ass...because of *course* it can't be my fault!!

I want to assure you that I'm not ungrateful, just lame. And now I can't remember which of you I ought to thank, although I hope I did so in the comments section of your blogs.

It's a funny thing with me. Rather than posting awards, I just prefer to visit the blogs I love consistently, and read those fresh new posts, and leave my thoughts and admiration there. Because I'd WAY rather read what you awesome people are thinking about than blather on about me. I do that enough already, don't you think?

So forgive, dear readers.

But there is a way I'd like to give back to you, if you're willing to have me. Amy over at The Never-True Tales is running a lovely little exchange program on her blog. This program, called Won't You be My Neighbor, starts January 11 and you can read all of the specific guidelines/details HERE:



**Okay, see? Blogger will let me put the widget in the text of a blog post but not on my Dashboard! WTF! This is assholery!

Simply put, it's a guest post exchange. For the duration of the program, I'd like to invite bloggers I admire and enjoy to guest post on this blog. I'll display your post, explain a little bit about why I love you, and link back to Amy's blog.

And if you are so inclined, you can join in the fun by contacting Amy, signing up for the program, and host your own cadre of awesome bloggers on your site.

Guest posts appear every Friday, so if you'd be interested, please let me know! And I hope you'll visit me over at The Never-True Tales on February 5, when it's my turn to blab!

Criteria For Guest Bloggers: if you are on my sidebar or I visit your blog regularly, assume that I love you and would welcome your guest post. Just contact me if you're ready and willing!

***

Just wanted to assure readers that you do not have to cook or talk about something food-related to guest post! We could use some shaking-up on Fridays!!!!

Shrink-My-Ass-Month: Tortellini-Spinach Soup

Hello Readers! It's Nanuck of the North here, checking in! Well, that's at least who I feel like lately--we woke up to a temperature of -4 yesterday.

What kind of assholery is Mother Nature up to? Nothing good happens at -4 degrees.

Okay, I will admit that the trees looked pretty. And it got me in the mood to make soup. Fortunately, in the panic felt by hearing the words "blast of frigid arctic air" slip from the lips of a newscaster a few days ago, I'd made a recent trip to the grocery store. At the time, it was snowy and blowy and I was pissed to be trekking to the market, but that weather was hella better than what I woke to yesterday morning. I went out to get the newspaper and I think my butt cheeks froze together.

This soup is easy, vegetarian, warming and delicious. That's a tall order!

I made only one modification to the recipe. Prior to adding the spinach and the tortellini, I whizzed the soup through my immersion blender. Because my kids don't *do* chunks in their soup, and sans-spinach, I had a fighting chance of getting them to eat this recipe. So I stacked the deck.

And hubba-hubba, they ate it! Can you feel me doing a herky?



Tortellini-Spinach Soup
from Ellie Krieger's So Easy
serves 4**

1 teaspoon canola oil
1 medium onion, chopped (about 2 cups)
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 large carrot, peeled and thinly sliced (1 1/2 cups)
2 ribs celery, chopped (1 cup)
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon dried thyme
1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
1 14-oz. can low-sodium diced tomatoes with juice (I used fire-roasted)
6 cups low-sodium vegetable or chicken broth
3 ounces baby spinach, sliced into ribbons (3 cups)
1 9-oz. package fresh store-bought spinach-and-cheese tortellini (2 cups)
1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese (1 1/2 ounces)

Heat the oil in a large stockpot over medium high heat. Add the onions and cook, stirring, until softened, about 5 minutes. Add the garlic and cook, stirring until the onions are translucent and the garlic is softened, another 3 minutes. Add the carrot, celery, oregano, thyme and red-pepper flakes and cook, stirring, until softened, 5 to 6 minutes.

Add the tomatoes with their juices and the broth and bring to a boil; reduce the heat and simmer for 10 to 15 minutes. Add the spinach and tortellini and cook until the tortellini are cooked through, 6-7 minutes. This soup will keep up to three days in the refrigerator in an airtight container. Serve topped with parmesan cheese.

**This soup serves 4 very generously! Kreiger lists each serving as 3 cups of soup plus 2 tablespoons of parmesan cheese. Calorie total: 380 per serving

The Yummy Dance

Do we ever really see ourselves? I remember an old friend of mine, Betty, would catch a glimpse of herself in a shopping mall mirror and then stop, startled. She would look at her reflection, sigh, shake her head and exclaim, "In my head, I always think I'm way cuter than I really am. Mirrors suck."

Mirrors do suck. Some mornings, I lurch to the bathroom, flick on the light and gasp in horror. What happened during the night to turn me into a 90-year-old prostitute? As I recall, I went to bed looking semi-okay; I mean, my husband wanted to jump me, so it must not have been that bad. But whaaaaa? Who on Earth is that Gorgon staring back at me a mere 8 hours later?

As a writer, I'm constantly scrutinizing people. If I see someone interesting, I'll narrow my eyes, hone-in, try to absorb every nuance and facial tic. It sort of drives my husband crazy. "Quit staring," he'll hiss at me in public places.

When we went to Disney World--the Official Homeland of Freakshows--this spring, I thought he was going to throttle me. I couldn't stop gawking and rubbernecking to save my life.

For someone so observant of others, I am shockingly un-self-aware. I do strange shit all the time and have no idea. Even worse, when my husband (that obnoxious lout) points out said strange shit, I have the gall to adamantly deny that I've done anything weird.

Yeah, I don't know why he married me, either.

A few months after we'd been dating, my husband took me to a new restaurant. I can't even remember the name of the place, but it was hoppin' and full of beautiful people, and I enjoyed myself. About halfway through the meal, hubs furrowed his brow and asked, "Is your dinner okay?"

"Yeah, you want a bite?" I said.

"No, I'm good," he said, and we continued eating.

A few minutes later, the waitress wandered into the vicinity and hubs asked, "Do you want me to flag her down? Do you want to order something else?"

"No, really, it's fine," I said. "Why do you think something's wrong?"

"Well, you didn't do the Yummy Dance. At all."

"Huh? What do you mean, the Yummy Dance?"

"You know, that thing you do when you really like your food."

"What thing? I don't do anything."

"Yeah you do. You know, this." And he proceeded to show me an exceedingly awkward little upper-body shimmy and head-bob.

He sort of looked epileptic.

"Oh my God. Oh my God!" I was Gobsmacked. "I do not do...Oh my God. You're right. I do do that." If I hadn't been so stunned, I'd have darted under the table in humiliation.

"That's awful!" I wailed.

"No. It's kinda cute," he said.

"Cute? I look like I'm having a medical emergency!"

Later, after the shock dissipated, I called my mother.

"Mom, how long have I been doing this...thing?" I asked. And described the oddity that is the Yummy Dance.

"Not long dear," she replied. "Only, like, your entire life."

So I guess it's settled. A habit so deeply ingrained as the Yummy Dance cannot be extinguished. It is, alas, a Trademark Move. I own it. And it only took me 30 years to learn it existed. So much for those razor-sharp powers of observation.

Shrink-My-Ass-Month: Asian Chicken Salad

Sorry folks, but this is not the 1980's version of Chinese Chicken Salad. You know, the one with a whole can of those delicious fried chow mein noodles in it and a cup of sliced almonds and the 3/4 cup of salad oil in the dressing? Yes, it is true that 1980's Chinese Chicken Salad is a yummy bit of goodness, but it's hella bad for your ass.

The good news? You can still enjoy the flavors of Asian Chicken Salad without all of the fattening doo-dads. And, best of all, this salad is a snap to make.

The dressing for this salad comes from Ellie Krieger's cookbook So Easy. I substituted honey for brown sugar in the dressing, just because I think it emulsifies better.

If you like, you can add mandarin oranges to the salad. I didn't because frankly, I don't like them. Is that weird? Doesn't everyone like mandarin oranges? And just as I write this sentence, I realize that I don't like regular oranges, either. I love the smell of oranges, as I'm peeling them, but I don't really like the way they taste.

Great. Yet another little oddity about myself, revealed in this public space.

Well, despite my quirks, I think you'll like this salad. Best of all, the cabbage is sturdy enough to last a day in the refrigerator, so you can toss it together the night before and take the leftovers to the office for a healthy lunch the next day.

Just step away from that can of chow mein noodles!



Asian Chicken Salad
serves 4
adapted from Ellie Krieger's So Easy

Dressing:
2 tablespoons canola oil
1/3 cup rice vinegar
3 tablespoons low-sodium soy sauce
1 1/2 tablespoons honey (Kreiger calls for 2 tablespoons brown sugar)
1 1/2 teaspoons Sriracha hot chile sauce
1 1/2 teaspoons toasted sesame oil

Salad:
2 cups shredded rotisserie chicken
1 head napa cabbage, sliced
1 cup shredded carrot
3 scallions, sliced
2 tablespoons chopped cilantro
1/3 cup slivered almonds

Shrink-My-Ass-Month: Shrimp, Avocado and Mango Lettuce Wraps

I am scanning every cookbook and food rag I own, trying to come up with innovative ways to make clean-tasting, healthy and yummy food. I'm also flipping around the Food Network, looking for inspiration (and avoiding Paula Deen and Emeril like nobody's business; I watch those shows and can feel my ass getting bigger. Guilt by association, or something).

One thing I noticed about Bobby Flay--he almost always dresses something with a "viniagrette" or a "mojo." And those dressings are usually flavor-packed and utilize olive oil. I think I've seen Flay use butter once. Now olive oil isn't low calorie, but it's a much healthier fat than butter. I also like Flay's penchant for bold, clean flavor--you aren't going to see him whipping up a casserole with cheese and soup.

And of course, we at Chez T. love our spicy things, so we do not fear the Flay-Man.

I decided to try my own hand at making a Flay-esque dish. I wanted something with a little heat, something to cool things down, and some fresh, crunchy substance to anchor the dish.

I'm telling you, I was doing a herky and a backflip after I tasted my experiment. This sucker is so good that you'll be doing the Yummy Dance* after the first bite. It's got a lot of ingredients, but honest, it's not that labor intensive, and this thing impresses. Despite the peppers called for, this isn't an overly spicy dish; the creamy avocado and the sweet mango temper the heat. It's a gorgeous balance.




Spicy Shrimp, Avocado and Mango Lettuce Wraps
inspired by Bobby Flay
serves 4

Marinade:
1/2 cup olive oil
1 jalapeno pepper, seeded
1 poblano pepper, roasted and peeled and seeded**
2 cloves garlic
1/4-1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
1 red or yellow bell pepper, roasted and peeled and seeded**
1/4 cup mango nectar, such as Kerns
squeeze of lime
1/4 teaspoon each salt and pepper

Wraps:

1 1/2 pounds shrimp, peeled and deveined


1 cup rice stick noodles, cooked as per package directions
1 teaspoon sesame oil
1/2 teaspoon sesame seeds
1 avocado, peeled, seeded, thinly sliced and drizzled with lime juice
1 ripe mango, peeled, seeded and thinly sliced
1/2 cup cilantro leaves, coarsely chopped
12-15 leaves green, red or romaine lettuce, washed and spun dry

Combine all ingredients for marinade in a food processor. Pulse until well combined. Set aside, at room temperature, for one hour.

Reserve 2 tablespoons marinade; set aside. Pat shrimp dry with paper towels. In a medium bowl, toss shrimp with remaining marinade and let sit for 15 minutes (only 15 minutes! If you marinate longer, the shrimp will get mushy.)

Meanwhile, cook rice noodles as per package directions; rinse in cold water. Toss with sesame oil and set aside, covered.

Slice mango thinly and set on platter with lettuce leaves, cilantro, and avocado (spritzed with lime to avoid discoloration)

Heat a large non-stick skillet over medium-high heat. Add shrimp and stir-fry until just pink. Remove from heat, drizzling pan drippings over shrimp.

To Assemble:

Place a lettuce leaf on a flat surface. Cover with a thin layer of rice noodles, avocado and mango. Top with 2-4 shrimp, depending on size. Top with cilantro. Drizzle a bit of reserved marinade over, roll up, and enjoy!

* A post on the phenomenon that is the Yummy Dance is forthcoming.

**To roast peppers, hold them over a gas flame until blackened and charred. If you don't have a gas grill, you can toss the peppers with a little olive oil, put on a foil-lined baking sheet and roast at 450 degrees, turning occasionally, until skin is blistered and blackened, about 20-30 minutes.

Place blackened peppers into a bowl and cover tightly with plastic wrap. Let sit 15 minutes. Skin should peel off easily then; remove stems and seeds.

Shrink-My-Ass-Month: Garlic-Basil Shrimp

Welcome to the first annual Shrink-My-Ass-Month at TheKitchenWitch! I must admit...usually I avoid the bathroom mirror. In fact, it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that when I'm exiting the shower, I scuttle past the bathroom mirror like a cockroach.

I've had two kids, people. That mirror is not my friend. So why, why, why did I look in it yesterday? Without clothes on, in broad daylight, which is seven kinds of suicide?

Because I'm one of those freaks who can't look away from a car crash, either. I'm sick that way.

Let's just say that one look at that sad-sack lump of dough and hail damage...Hoo boy. I went sprinting for my sweatpants.

RIP, the ass of my youth. We had a good run. And I'm sorry that I didn't appreciate you more when I had you.

Now I'm not naive enough to believe that I'll ever get my old ass back. That sucker be gone. Still, it just might be time to lighten up things a little in the kitchen for a month or so. Because while my 20-year-old ass is a thing of the past, I might be able to at least get my 39-year-old one back. Maybe.

Mama, in an act of holiday genius, gave me Ellie Krieger's new cookbook So Easy: Luscious, Healthy Recipes for Every Meal of the Week in my stocking this year.

Now seems like the perfect time to try some of these recipes. Because boring rabbit food is suckage. Healthy food can also be delicious, if you put some thought and effort into it.

So hop onto the Lighten Up Boat with me and we'll see what we can crank out. Now if only y'all could go to the gym for me...because I hate that joint.




Garlic Basil Shrimp
from Ellie Krieger's So Easy
serves 4

2 tablespoons olive oil
1 1/4 pounds large shrimp, peeled and deveined
3 garlic cloves, minced
1/8 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes, or more to taste*
3/4 cup dry white wine
1 1/2 cups grape tomatoes, halved
1/4 cup finely chopped fresh basil
Salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste
3 cups cooked orzo pasta, preferably whole wheat
teensy sprinkle of feta (my addition)

Heat the oil in a large heavy skillet over medium-high heat until hot but not smoking, the add the shrimp and cook, turning over once, until just cooked through, about 2 minutes. Transfer with a slotted spoon to a large bowl.

Add the garlic and red pepper flakes to the oil remaining in the skillet and cook until fragrant, about 30 seconds. Add the wine and cook over high heat, stirring occasionally, for 3 minutes. Stir in the tomatoes and basil and season the sauce with salt and pepper. Return the shrimp to the pan and cook just until heated through. Serve with the orzo.

*I used 1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes and added a handful of chopped kalamata olives, as well.

Per serving (1 cup shrimp mixture and 3/4 cup orzo): 380 calories

I thought the addition of olives and a sprinkle of sharp feta cheese added nice depth to this dish. It's delicious and a stunner to look at. You won't feel deprived eating this, I promise you.