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And heeeeeeeeere's...Becca!
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Si"Bling"s
Too tight squeezes. Loving shoves. Silly Head Butts. We all have witnessed the treacherous bond between siblings. The fine line between adoration and hate. The heavenly feeling as you watch your children play so nicely together and the painful pangs as you watch them tear each other apart and wonder, "why is it that I wanted more than one?"
I always knew I wanted more than one child. And when Hannah was about 18 months old and started clearly showing signs of believing the entire world revolved around her (and yes, I was the enabler), I decided to get moving on number 2. The next 18 months were painful and emotional for me. And I BEGGED with all my being for a miracle. But three miscarriages, an ectopic pregnancy and 2 IVF treatments later, my wiggly, alien looking adorable, miserably collicky, precious little boy was placed in my arms. I didn't know he'd be a HIM until he was removed from me and I heard the room chanting, "It's a Boy! It's a Boy!" and my first reaction was, well, nausea. Maybe a bit from the anesthesia but also because I had imagined Hannah with a sister. A girl she could have tea parties with and push baby dolls around with. Two giggly girls snuggled in a sleeping bag in their bedroom. Two girls sharing their deepest darkest secrets with one another until the wee hours of the morning. Two girls swapping shoes and jewelry and holding hands as they got their ears pierced. Friends. Soul mates. This scenario came to a quick close when I got a Luke instead of a Phoebe.
The first thing Hannah said when she came into the hospital room to meet her new little brother was, "Mommy, I thought it was going to be a girl?" It wasn't so much sadness as confusion in her voice. Somehow, she had convinced herself of the same future with a sister, just as I had in my mind. I told her that having a little brother would be JUST as special as a sister and that they'd grow up to be best friends all the same. I thought in my head of all of the older sister/younger brother siblings I had known in my life and I realized that their relationships were some of the strongest I knew as far as siblings go. The doting, motherly older sister and the well cared for little brother. I quickly convinced myself that my mismatched pair would also have a fantastic friendship as they grew older.
Over the past two years since Luke was born, I've watched my kids go through many stages. The helpless little brother being dragged around by his arm. The clueless little brother happily being dressed up as a princess. The curious little brother sticking his nose into anything and everything his older sister is doing. The nurturing older sister helping her little brother put on his pajamas. The motherly older sister helping her little brother learn to use a spoon. The newly independent little brother not wanting his overpowering big sister anywhere near him. The Elaine-like dancing older sister teaching her rookie little brother some crazy moves. The worried little brother hiding his possessions from his usually bossy and grabby big sister. The strong little brother pushing his big sister out of his way. The concerned little brother hugging his big sister tight when she's throwing a tantrum and flailing about on the floor. In all of these situations though, the one consistent is that when all is said and done, one is always looking out for, or just looking for, the other. The first thing Hannah says in the morning is, "Is Luke still asleep?" And the first thing Luke always "says" when he enters a room is, "Ha Ha (Hannah)?"
And that's what I "want". One always looking out for the other. I'm not sure how to ensure a healthy sibling relationship between my kids. I unfortunately can't have my kids model their relationship after mine with my brother. As much as I've always (and still do) dreamed of a loving friendship with my brother, I sadly don't have one. When people hear that I have an older brother only 2 years my senior they think I'm so lucky. They think he must have always been so protective of me, that I must have always looked up to him and cherished him. But I didn't. And he wasn't. Our relationship was fraught with jealousy and competitiveness. He always had a way of making me feel bad about myself and I never could find the words to tell him that and fix it. He was always the one with too many words (go figure he's a lawyer now) and I always had too few.
So what can a parent do to help their kids foster the strongest, most secure, most trusting relationship between siblings? Anything? I wonder as they grow whether I should step in to guide them or step back to let them build their friendship on their own. I would think just keeping them a part of one another's lives, going to each others activities, letting them get to know each other's friends, having them participate in each other's worlds would be a good start. And stepping back as they go through the necessary and common stages of hating one another. Most important, I would think is ensuring self confidence in each of them separately, so that the competitiveness is minimized, but I also want to give them confidence as a pair. For them to believe that together, they can conquer the ups and downs of life. That they don't always need to go it alone. That they should be "accessories" for one another. When something is missing, the other will keep them warm, make them smile, make them feel strong and beautiful.
This morning I watched Hannah show Luke how to carefully slide down the stairs on his belly instead of trying to climb down the stairs like a "big person". "You won't fall on your face this way Lukey because you're already going down on your face." She taught him. And he listened. And watched. And then copied. How many times have I told him to go down on his belly? Countless. But his sister only had to show him once. And that's my new dream, beyond the giggly girlie sisters. To have my kids trust each other even more than they trust me.
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Thank-you SO much Becca, for this very sweet post. As someone with a "complicated sibling relationship" herself, I found so much solace here.
"We all have witnessed" - only with my own siblings. Not yet with my children because I only have one (yet). But it is all to come!
ReplyDeleteWonderful blog, thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThe gift of a sibling is the most amazing gift :) Lovely post Becca!
ReplyDeleteMo, you're right. I stand corrected! "Many of us have witnessed" either with our children, our siblings or maybe with friend's children... That would have been more appropriate!
ReplyDeleteThis is such a moving post. I was the very bossy older sister who also wanted a sister not a brother. My brother and I now have a close and supportive relationship that I wouldn't trade for anything.
ReplyDeleteLoved this post! Thanks! :)
ReplyDeleteSweet post, Becca.
ReplyDeleteI started reading Siblings Without Rivalry last night (finally) and see so much in Luke and Hannah in the way siblings can be together in great ways if parents help them in positive ways. You're doing a great job, Drama Mama.
Thanks for sharing this piece from Becca, TKW. And thank you for these words, Becca.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I grew up with an older brother very close in age. We always got along well and still do. I wouldn't say that we're close, but our relationship is still based on love and humor and good will.
My boys are only 20 months apart and I worry about the competition that will inevitably (?) arise between two siblings of the same gender so close in age. My strategy so far has been to let things be - to let Big Boy, especially, follow his own instincts about how to be an older sibling.
But check back with me as soon as they start fighting and Tiny Baby is old enough to defend himself. :)
Fascinating (and lovely) story. As for the sibling relationship, it's tricky. Trickier than the parent-child relationship, but I will offer this, from my own experience:
ReplyDeleteEven if you didn't (and don't) have a close relationship with your own sibling, it doesn't mean you cannot encourage one between your children.
I think parents can, and should, encourage siblings to be a team, to watch out for each other, and to continue to do that over time. This is something I worried about (being a single parent) and watched closely with my two boys, only 18 months apart in age, but as different as night and day. Because my own sibling and I don't even speak to each other (it's been that way for years), and the nuclear family of the three of us (myself, my sons) is so tiny, I very much wanted them to have what I did not.
Somehow, at least thus far, they have managed mutual respect for each other, a lot of teasing, relatively little fighting, some sharing of friends and separate friends, and I hope - through serious discussions I had with them as I was older, because of the family dynamics in my own situation, I hope they paid attention. I hope they will understand how much it hurts to have a blood relative who walks away when you are in trouble. I hope they will understand that family is, or should be, something you can count on.
Here's hoping... and good luck as you guide them through the usual spats, but in their appreciation for each other.
Oh, I love this! Siblings (whichever gender) are so beautiful/sweet/vicious/wonderful/complicated aren't they? I don't have experience with a boy AND a girl, and I think it'd add such an interesting dynamic! Thanks for playing along with Won't You Be My Neighbor! Be sure to link up (I've got it back up!) :)
ReplyDeleteI loved this, Becca and TKW! My husband and I do want more than one child, but I know sibling relationships can be so complicated and sometimes damaging. It is so good to hear from someone about her experience and know that such good things are possible.
ReplyDeleteGood post!
ReplyDeleteWe were all 6 years apart so it was like an only child when we were young. However, my older sister and I have a wonderful relationship now, not so much with our brother, though, not due to us I might add.
My own kids were 1-2-3 right in a row. And the younger two were boys. They banded together to form a unit against their older sister. How often did I hear her say: MOTHER! The brothers are snooping in my room! But now they are grown (sometimes I wonder how I managed) and are all good friends, although they live far apart from each other. They were all her Christmas and it made my heart happy to see them talking happily together.
As an only child, I am only beginning to see the complicated depths of the relationship between my daughter and son (and how I can best nurture it). Your post makes me hopeful that she will soon teach her little brother that broccoli and carrots aren't poison. =>
ReplyDeleteI think the trick is too teach copromise. If that is never taught , they will have no chance. I married someone who has nothing in common with my brother but I cant alienate him for that nor can his wife do the same to me. When the world crashes in we have no choice but to respond to eachother because that is what we were taught. When my grandmother had a stroke we both knew what to do, when he needed to picked up from the police station I was there. Maybe we are not close like my girlfriends are but we came from the same blood, know the same stories, and have a deep understanding of why we react the way we do. I know we are like this because my parents taught us we had to work at our relationship, blood could not be all there was. So we work and we compromise and in the end we will always have eachother whether it was warm and fuzzy or not and that is a gift I would never return.
ReplyDeleteI understand this dilemma. I have two sisters, but only have a close relationship with one. My older sister, who should've been my best friend, was my constant enemy. I always think of her when people say they want sisters for the best friend aspect. I have a boy and a girl and feel so lucky that (hopefully) they'll complement each other and be each other's most trusted confidante.
ReplyDeleteThank you Kitch for hosting me here! I was honored to be welcomed into your Beautiful home.
ReplyDeleteA wonderful story, Becca. There's always that difference between what you imagine while you're pregnant and what actually occurs after birth, even if you know the sex. Invariably they have their own personality and their own way of looking at things and, like you said, they form their own unique relationship with the other sibling.
ReplyDeleteMy mother always taught my brother and I that no matter what happened in this world we always had each other and nothing could change that but us. She made sure to teach us how important it was to support one another. that's what I want to teach my kids too, that they always have each other.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post! I have a younger sister who I adore and I always try to make my boys (3 might I add!) understand that the only ones who will truly understand them and where they have been is their brothers.
ReplyDeleteI think that they love each other, but they argue and compete against each other for everything. I think the trick to to make them understand their special place in your own heart, and everything else falls into place...
This is such a beautifully written post. I see so much of what you said in my own boys (4 and 18 months). It's not always easy getting on with siblings but I wouldn't have it any other way.
ReplyDeleteSadly, my younger sister couldn't care less about me (and that's putting it positively!). My Emma is an only child--and from the time she could talk she said she didn't want a sibling because she wanted to be the center of attention.
ReplyDeleteBecca,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for being here! This post hit so close to home, since my older sister is lost to me. It was a complicated choice, and a painful one, but sometimes you just have to wave the white flag. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, people aren't going to love you. And that realization totally sucks. Sometimes, even though you share the same blood, you don't "always have each other." Sometimes, the people closest to you don't have your best interests at heart, and when you learn that, when you finally learn that, there's a lot of baggage there.
It's the reason that I was adamant that Miss D. was going to be my only child. But then I changed my mind. And I watch my girls, almost the same distance apart in age as my sister and I, and hope. And wring my hands.
Becca, this post really captured the complexity of sibling relationships. I know with my siblings I have had moments of deep resentment and moments of pure love.
ReplyDeleteFor my kids, I am hoping they love each other just as you described.
". The fine line between adoration and hate."
ReplyDeleteIt's so true! This post resonated with me because I have a hannah and a luke, only several years older now (10 and 8 this summer)
The time has come when mine are starting to not be quite so tight, but I think I'm doing the right thing by not pushing it. I don't make her play with him and I don't let him be too pesty when her friends are over; instead I just stress the importance of family, loyalty, and that it's just not right to let other people - especially her own friends - pick on her own brother.
And other than that, it's important to just step back and let their relationship ride.
My mom really tried to force my younger and sister and I to be as close as she is to her older sister. I've talked to her twice since she moved to Colorado three years ago.
I have to tell you I don't see this in my children. Others, though, do. I constantly am told how great it is, from friends who have driven past and seen all six kids in the yard playing football or wiffle ball or whatever, that my kids like each other. They do not always but most of the time.
ReplyDeleteThanks, TKW, for having Becca over.
What a lovely post, Becca.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like your two have a wonderful relationship.
And TKW, I just want to hug you. And possibly pinch your sister.
Such a sweet post! I love watching the relationship between my girls develop. Of course, we have good days and bad days, but I can definitely see that (hopefully) unbreakable bond that holds them together.
ReplyDelete