Alas, this is a true story:
Last year, for Mother's Day, Miss D.'s Kindergarten class did a project where they answered the question: I Love My Mommy Because...and accompanied that thought with a picture. Then, at the Mother's Day party the class held for us, the projects were hung up on a wall in the classroom for all of the mommies to see.
It was so touching to read what some of the children said. "I love my mommy because she gives the best hugs/I love my mommy because she will never leave me/I love my mommy because she has the softest skin/I love my mommy because she smells like the rain..." I was getting goopy eyed just reading them.
Then I spied Miss D's entry, which was, of course, the most flamboyantly decorated of all of the projects (the girl loves her bling). The picture was of a yellow haired stick figure pushing a grocery cart. The grocery cart was covered in glitter and sequins. Above it was the following caption: I Love My Mommy Because She Buys Me Sugary Snacks.
I wanted the floor to crack open and swallow me right then and there. The other moms would stroll by, glance at Miss D's project, do a double take and start to titter. Yeah, Miss Smells Like the Rain Mommy, go ahead and laugh, you crack whore. YOU aren't Sugary Snack Mom, so you just go ahead and giggle your size 2 ass off.
I am ashamed to say that I didn't keep the project. Yeah, I threw the evidence away. Which makes it even worse. Now I'm Sugary Snack Mommy who is Mean Enough to Throw Her Daughter's Homemade Gifts Away.
But it gets worse.
This year Miss D.'s class is doing an entire page-long questionnaire about their mommy. I can't wait to hear what she says this year. Because suddenly this year, I am not as beloved as Sugary Snack Mommy. Sugary Snack Mommy had things good and she didn't even know it. This year I am "Mommy Isn't Funny, Daddy Is Funny" Mom. I am Enforcer of Homework Mommy, Quick to Lose Her Temper Mommy, Chore Assigner Mommy and, perhaps most crushing of all, Boring Mommy.
Yeah, my kid told me I was boring. And I, an adult who should be above it all, am hurt.
Miss D. and I aren't getting along very well right now. She's always been my difficult Minx, but lately it's hard for me to be good natured when she does her usual Minx-y things. I am tired and my husband's been working more/longer and I have suddenly become the Bad Cop. She doesn't think I'm funny. Or fun.
And I'm afraid that she's kind of right. So part of this Family Food Rehab project is selfish. Cooking is the ONE thing I do well, so maybe I can glean a sliver of respect from Miss D. during this project. And cooking is time spent together, which we desperately need. And cooking, best of all, is fun.
I need all the help I can get.